Really? Why Don't You Prove It?

“So Ikea??” Yep. That was how it started. Athena wanted to know all about my trip to Ikea with the Joker (although I’m not exactly sure why...) and apparently there are “SIGNS”. Yes. Signs. Signs that I am refusing to see because I am doing really well on this whole thing where I convince myself that it’s never, EVER going to happen and now she tells me the whole thing is full of tell-tale signs that prove otherwise. Oh great.

Pillow fight. “You went without me?!!” Spending time together outside of work. Banter. Talking about non-work things.

Apparently, these are all signs and I plan on ignoring them all. Why, you ask? Because it’s just not fair. It’s not fair. I liked him and it wasn’t mutual. This is a race I can’t win on endurance and no matter how long I sit around and wait, it ain’t gonna happen. So now he decides there are some “signs” he’s ready to put out? Well I don’t want your fucking signs now. I finally was able to convince myself that it wasn’t going to happen and we were going to be BFF’s (sorry, I should have warned you about the puke bucket moment!) and he can’t just waltz in here and start like that. NO! I won’t have it!

The Joker: if you want to start throwing these signs around, you better be ready. I’m not just going to let you in and fall under that smile spell of yours. It won’t happen that way, but if you are going to start that way, well I suggest you best be ready. I don’t know what I’m going to do, but you better get your game face on. After all that time I’ve spent hoping, well, maybe it’s time the tables are turned.

Shopping With The Joker

I have officially discovered one of the best parts of moving out: IKEA!!!! Alright, so aside from the really cheap-do it yourself-hope it doesn’t break as you put it together-pray all of the little pieces are in the box aspect, it can be a lot of fun. Sure, there are a couple of downsides, but most of the time it is really good for ideas and starter furniture.

When I first told the Joker I was moving out (he needs a new nickname btw), I was really hyper and going on and on about what I had and what I was going to need. Bestie and I had already been to Ikea in the summer and I had bought a lot of kitchen wares then. At the time, I didn’t have a set date or time when I was going to move out; I just knew that it would probably be a good idea to buy it then rather than all at one time. Good thinking, Grasshopper. Anyways, I was telling the Joker that I had already been to Ikea and picked some stuff up. His reaction? “you went without me?!!” Now I don’t know about you, but a couple of thoughts ran through my mind at that moment.
A) Was I supposed to invite you?
B) Why would you want to come to Ikea with me?
C) Since when are we on the “you didn’t invite me?!!” level?

So I told him that I wanted to go again because I still needed a few things (ie. a couch!) and if he wanted to tag along, he was more than welcome. (I should probably add here that I was really excited when I heard he wanted to come. In fact, if my memory serves me correctly, I promised “we’ll get two carts!” Oh my.)

Today, we went! And it was a lot of fun!! The closest Ikea to my house is about an hour drive so we took Jack in. I drove. I always thought it was a man thing, you know, having to drive everywhere. Something about feeling important or being in charge, but I guess not. He asked me if I was a good driver and I said that was “debatable”. He did have a good laugh over that one!!

We did go through the entire showroom and looked around. It was quite entertaining (not in a good way and not in a bad way. It was just odd watching him shop) to watch him go through each piece of furniture, inspecting it all. All of the drawers were pulled open to check the sturdiness and each couch was sat on.

After Ikea, we went to a whole lotta furniture stores a few blocks over. The Joker was looking for a very specific sectional and we found out after searching for it ALL day that they do not make what he wants. I tried telling him not to settle, (“you’ll find what you want!”) but by the end of the day the pleather smell was messing with my brain cells and I’m pretty sure the sleezy salespeople could’ve sold me a lawn chair.

He showed me his Blackberry with a reminder from his Calendar that he was going to Ikea with me. At one point, I realized he was focusing the camera on me and I tried to swat it away. It almost landed on the floor (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh, the trouble I would’ve been in then!!) and he didn’t get a picture. He claimed that he needed to have a picture of all of his contacts so he knew who was calling him but I said that I don’t call him, so ha!

Over lunch, the Joker asked about the “boyfriend”. I knew he meant T-Rex (even though I never, ever called him that) and I tried to dodge the conversation the best I could. It didn’t work so I gave him the shortened version: I hadn’t seen him since his football game in September. I told the Joker that I had messaged T-Rex a while ago but he didn’t reply to which the Joker tried to defend T-Rex. I probably should have mentioned something about T-Rex’s Facebook status a while back where he claimed to be in love ("I just wish you knew how much I cared" or something like that) but I didn’t. It wasn’t important because it wasn’t about me. There are a lot of things the Joker doesn’t know about what happened (or didn’t) between T-Rex and I, but I don’t want to tell him! I tried to blame the distance (did I mention I’d only seen him twice?!!) and unfortunately he brought up phone sex. I quickly changed the topic.

Later on, he brought it up again! Honestly, the man just won’t quit! I said something about M&M which was quite funny because the Joker’s like “who’s that?” I changed the subject again, but I was a little surprised he didn’t dig further into that one (though relieved at the same time!)

I don’t think I’m asking for much, although I technically didn’t ask for this. I guess I did in a way, but when he said “you didn’t invite me?!!” what else was I gonna do? It was fun!! We got to hang out, talk, and just be normal without the work environment. No one is listening in on your conversation and you don’t feel guilty (not that we ever do...) because you’re on company time.

Now, I have so much more stuff to pack. Damn you Ikea!! Frick! More dishes to wash! More furniture to put together! So little time! So much fun!

Everything At Once

When I got home Friday, I curled into a ball and wept like a baby on my bedroom floor. You know those scenes you see in movies where everything that could possibly go wrong has, and the character has no other option but cry? Oh yeah; THAT was my Friday. ‘Twas the day everything came to a head and I couldn’t handle it anymore and trust me, I can handle a lot of crap.

Friday morning, I e-mailed Athena about the comment Mrs. O had made about the Joker’s face lighting up when he sees me. She tells me that it’s a race I can’t win on endurance and he wants someone like KH and when he can’t have her, I’m the ego boost for this parasite. She told me to get my head out of my ass and face reality. When I told her that I knew all of that, she told me not to lie to her and stop crushing on him.

The Joker and I are friends. I know this. We will never be more than friends. I know this. He does not want me. I KNOW THIS!! Thanks for making me feel about two inches tall. I shouldn’t have to defend my friendship with the Joker to anyone. After the accident, he calmed me down like no one else can. He understands me and knows when I need space or when I need a fricken hug! We are friends. I want to be his friend. That’s what I am. I am not lying. Why do people have to assume more?!

I called the body shop on Friday to find out when I could go about getting a rental car since I knew Jack was going to be in the shop for a while. The secretary told me that she had just talked to my Dad who told them I didn’t need one. Excuse me? Who is my Dad to tell them whether or not I need a rental car? What part of “let me do this on my own and please stay out of it” is confusing to you? My dad told me after work on Friday that there is $4,900 worth of damage to my truck. OMG. I caused $4,900 worth of damage to my Jack.

This whole homework thing, I’m still not used to. I had a homework assignment due Friday at midnight like every other week and I submitted it on Thursday. Since it’s an online course, they let you do the assignment as many times as you want to before the due date. On Thursday, my mark was like 85% or something and I was going to do it again after work on Friday, but I ran out of time. I tend to get very disappointed in myself easily, especially when I know that I could’ve done so much better on that assignment.

I guess Friday was one of those days where everything seemed to come at me all at once: Athena smacking some sense into me; having to defend and seriously evaluate my relationship with the Joker; my Dad butting into my life when I just want him to let me deal with this on my own; and my disappointment in my time management with my homework. So VWBug, Giraffe, and I went out drinking. That’s another story!

Sweet Magnet

I don’t know what to think about this and honestly, I haven’t had much time to myself to think about what happened today. Between work and school and the accident, my head has been a million different places today.

The Joker came by my counter this morning as usual and we talked about my insurance claim and Jack and yadda yadda yadda. He headed to his office and I went back to work. So I’m sitting there, working away and one of the other ladies I work with comes over to my counter. Mrs. O is one of the sweetest ladies I know! I’ve only been at my current job posting for eleven months (12 on the 24th of this month!!) and she’s been so kind to me since I started. She works in a cubicle in the back and doesn’t come out all too often. When she does, she always has a minute to chat. This morning, she bee-lines it for my counter:

Mrs. O – [The Joker] must be sweet on you. He’s always at the counter here. It’s like a magnet for him (laughing)
Me – Oh. You think so?
Mrs. O – Sure! His face lights up when he sees you
Me – Oh, no, I don’t think so...
Mrs. O – Oh I can see it

I don’t know what to think, but let’s just throw the fact that now more people are starting to think that there is something going on. There isn’t! I do trust Mrs. O though when she says his face lights up. I have no other way of knowing, which is awkward. So I’m not really sure what exactly is going on but if he is “sweet on [me]”, he’ll know what to do. We’ve had that talk though, and there’s nothing going on. Try telling that to Mrs. O.

Crap Happens

I’m not really sure how to preface this. I’ve been staring at the blank screen watching the little black line flash up and down and the only thing I can think? I could’ve died today. Sure, Nickelback can sing “If Today Was Your Last Day” all they want, but truly, today could’ve been my last day.

My new-to-me pick-up, which I’ve named Jack (I <3 Jack!), was lowered down when I bought it, but the bottoming out on speed bumps became an issue. I had it raised to stock height and went to pick it up today. $600 later, he was as sexy as ever. And yes, I do refer to Jack as my lover and boyfriend quite often. So after picking him up this morning, I was still really early for work so I decided to gas up my truck and I took some cash out. I drove around a little bit and as I was just about to make the last turn, I got hit. I didn’t even see her coming, and I cut her off. She nailed the back bumper and side panel of my Jack. Luckily, I guess, I sped up to try to miss the collision so she only hit the back bumper. It could’ve been a lot worse. Yes, we are both fine. Yes, my insurance will go up 30% the first year, 20% the second, and 10% the third. Yes, it was my fault. I could’ve died.

We exchanged info, and I drove to work. I parked, called my mom, and cried like a baby. She tried to calm me down, but I was too wound up to really listen. As I was on the phone with her, the Joker pulled in beside me. He saw the damage and gave me a hug to try to calm me down. Obviously, that didn’t work and he said that it could and would be fixed. He stroked my back a couple of times to comfort me as I swore like a sailor at myself. We walked in together and he tried to get me to relax, but I was still teary eyed. I was so mad at myself for allowing this to happen. “I didn’t have to take money out this morning. I didn’t have to gas my truck up. I should’ve come straight from the shop.” He told me not to play the “What If” game; it doesn’t change what’s happened. His advice? Get a couple of girlfriends over and go out drinking. Really? That’s not going to make Jack better. “My problems will still be there in the morning, and I’ll be sick.” Smart words for a twenty year old, eh?

FML. Seriously. I am so mad at myself. It has made me think what if it really had been my last day? What would I change? I’m so sorry Jack. I don’t need this right now! Perhaps tomorrow morning, I won’t repeat the same words I said this morning: “Why are things going so well?” Yeah, that’s what I get.

How much is too much?

So where exactly is the line? You know, the line between “we’re friends so I’ll tell you what’s going on” and “why the hell do you want to know? It’s not like you care”. Where’s the line? Since the Joker has been asking me about my Facebook status the other day, I’m a little unsure as to why he wants to know. I don’t believe he has ulterior motives, but it’s uncharacteristic of him to be so gosh-darn curious, which makes me curious!

I Facebook messaged him Saturday night, around 10:30 (as if anyone really cares about what time I messaged him!), telling him that my status (“what was I thinking”) was a long maze of a story. He deserved some sort of explanation after I refused to banter Friday, and I guess I was hoping the “long maze of a story” would suffice. I put my phone on lock and went to bed. Please don’t judge me! I had been taking shots of Jagermeister with my mom. And sister. And dad. Well, I don’t think Dad had any Jager, but we did have some fun that night! Perhaps my tipsiness had a slight effect on my decision to message the Joker, but I’m pretty sure I would’ve done that anyways. It was just a matter of timing.

The next morning, I checked my Blackberry (as always!) and saw that he had text messaged me. Like I’ve said before, he DOESN’T text me. Weirddddd.

10:58 pm The Joker – What were you thinking?

Seriously! Why do you want to know?! Doesn’t my “long maze of a story” raise a couple of red flags? It’s code for “I’ll tell you if you really want to know, but I don’t think you want to know so run while you still can!” I guess he’s a little slow. Maybe the text message was his way of saying that he DID really want to know. How do I reply to him? Honestly, I had thought that maybe the Joker had changed his mind, but I knew that was impossible. I cannot tell him that!! I had also realized that I was crazy for ever liking T-Rex. Each one of his pictures has him holding a drink or talking about drinking. That is the complete opposite of me. Immature. Immature. Immature. Not something I am used to so why on Earth did I like him? Oi.

Guilty as hell, I knew that I had to reply to the Joker. So what do I say to him to throw him off?

10:37 am The Grasshopper – Lol it truly is a long story. I don’t know if you really want to hear about all my boy problems :p

No reply. Oh yeah! That’s right mister!! I WIN!

I still don’t know how much information I should be sharing with him. If he would have replied, I’m sure I would have told him what I had been thinking about T-Rex, but I am glad that I didn’t have to! This is yet another lesson this young grasshopper will have to figure out all on her own.

Banter Be Gone

Banter. Love it or hate it, it’s hard to escape it. There are always those people in our lives that can speak to us in such a teasingly witty way it can be hard to take them seriously. Perhaps it is because they don’t want to discuss anything serious and use this as a way of cleverly changing the topic to something playful. Maybe they don’t want to talk about themselves or would prefer to discuss one’s ever changing hair colour. Whatever the reason, banter has its advantages. Let’s not lie. If used properly, banter can be a great way to pass the time and it really can be quite funny. If it is used excessively, however, it can be quite exhausting. I know. You’re shaking your head, wondering where I am going with all of this. I don’t really know yet.

This entire week, the banter between the Joker and I has been excessive. It usually is, but for some reason it seemed to bother me. We talked about many things, from Jack to my boring relationship status. At the end of our conversations, my head is spinning, especially this week! Sure, he knows a lot of things about a lot of topics. He has great advice for me and when it comes to my truck, he knows what to do and is always willing to listen (or should I say banter?) Whatever you want to call it, this week I felt very stupid after talking to him. I don’t think of myself as a witty person (I have many witnesses to account for this!) so I find it very hard to keep up with him. Usually I’m able to keep my own while we’re talking. I like to find ways to prove him wrong because it is the only time I can talk to him. I guess it’s as normal as we’ll ever get.

I’m not sure why this week was so different, but I couldn’t do it today! He came by to talk many times today and I had to tell him that the banter wasn’t happening. He looked confused (and a little disappointed which I don’t like. This was after KH stopped by to visit. For an hour. With Starbucks. Bitch.) but I promised to work on my banter-ness. He wanted to know what my Facebook status was all about. Actually, he asked me “so what were you thinking?” About what?!! I think about a lot of things, and right now I’m not sure what the hell to think! Why don’t you clarify and tell me what to think, because I will do what you think I should. “about what? [enter awkward silence while he grins at me. Thinking. Still thinking. What the hell is he talking about? Enter lightbulb moment! My Facebook status! I had said “what was I thinking?” why does he want to know?] OH! My Facebook status?!” The Joker continues to smile, and repeats his question. I told him I couldn’t remember (sorry, kind of thinking about a couple other things at the moment!) and he tried some witty comments. When I wasn’t laughing, I apologized, but couldn’t banter today. My wittiness takes time, thoughtful consideration, and motive. I’ve got nothing, so too bad!

I am hoping for an end to the banter. My head hurts too much when I get home! We talk so fast and about so many things that it can be exhausting! Why can’t we just talk normally? This banter is on the verge of flirting and that is something the Joker and I need to stay far, far away from! Although I can’t ignore him (he makes himself known!), he knows how to push my buttons. Sure, there are days I love the banter! Now, though, I hate it. There is not enough Advil in the world to entice me to keep it up.

Don't Make Me Hit You Again...

I don’t know if this really deserves its own post, but what the hell! Zero had oh so kindly returned the supplies from Plan SPM today. He included a little note that read something like “Thanks for the thoughtful consideration. Due to the money invested, I hope you can make use of this. Thanks!” After devouring the Mars bar, I flipped through the magazine (Marie Claire, of course!) and made sure I grabbed it on the way out.

As the Joker and I were walking out today, we were talking about the chocolate bar/trust issue after Plan SPM. I reminded him yet again that women do not throw out chocolate. When it is that time of the month, NO chocolate is spared!! It is devoured in seconds and any chocolate that is thrown out is devastation to all mankind! Okay, so perhaps I didn’t go quite that far into it, but I think he got the message!

He then proceeds to tell me that our joke was an “epic failure”. Instinctively, I hit him with my magazine. Right across his umbrella-holding arm, as I called him an ass! WHACK! Seriously! Epic failure!? What the hell asshole?! I know that he thoroughly enjoyed our little game today, but good grief. It was really fun to smack him. A lot of anger that had to be released, I don’t know if one smack was sufficient. It definitely made me feel better though!

I told him that he has to be nice to me tomorrow, because I might be in a really bad mood (something I’m dreading/nervously excited for is happening). He said that he isn’t nice any other day, so why should he be nice tomorrow. I told him that he has to be nice! I might need him to be nice tomorrow, but he says that he is never nice so it wouldn’t make a difference.

Why is he so difficult? Seriously, all mind games. Maybe I’ll get to smack him tomorrow too!

I don't want to talk about the Joker

I don’t really feel like talking today. Weird, I know. If I start rambling, it will be about the Joker and I am so sick and tired of talking about him. I have so many other things I could blog about!

The church service reminded me of him. Honest to goodness! It was a message that he and I have argued about many, many times, and I took a full page of notes. I even thought about texting him last night to see if he would be interested in going with me this morning (it’s an MB church with a Saturday night service and two on Sunday morning. I’m a rebel: church on Saturday night baby!!). I don’t know if it was God who put this thought in my brain, but I didn’t text him. Strange feeling to have, but I just am unsure if our relationship is at that level. Can I just text him and ask if he wants to go to church with me the next day? I just don’t think he’s ready for that, especially after our trust convo. See? Look at me! I said I was going to ramble about the joker, and I am.

Okay, new topic. Last Saturday, VWBug and I had semi-plans for a coffee date. I, unfortunately, had to bail and we re-scheduled for this Saturday night. Now she hates me, because I bailed again. Why this time? Family night. *Sigh* Please don’t lose your lunch, but it’s the only time the four of us can sit around at home and visit. Sorry VWBug, you don’t understand how important these nights are for us. They are a rarity, and hate me if you want. I didn’t know when we planned the night that it fell on a family night! Honestly, I have apologized five times, and she keeps replying via text “Okay...” Oh no you don’t! Don’t you dare use ellipsis with me honey! I can read that tone in your voice clear as daylight!!

The truth is, we hide so we can be found, we walk away to see who will follow, we cry to see who will wipe away our tears, and we let our hearts get broken to see who will come and fix them.

Chocolate Answers

I just couldn’t let it be. I wanted answers. I wanted the truth: Why would you throw out a chocolate bar? I asked the Joker at the end of the day if he had eaten his. No, he threw it out. I couldn’t tell him I already knew, but I had to start somewhere.

Upon further examination, he posed the question to me: Would you eat something that came anonymously in the inter-office mail? I said that if it was a sealed chocolate bar, probably! He said that he didn’t know where it came from, but I asked who would purposely poison a chocolate bar and send it to him? Really now? He said that the list of people who disliked him and would do that was quite long. How was he to be sure it was sealed? I asked if he wanted me to include a receipt next time, but he said that just proved the transaction and nothing more. He told me to think about it. Think about it, I did.

7:57 Grasshopper – Alright, so I thought about it and here’s the deal: I totally would’ve eaten the chocolate!! Don’t care where it came from and esp some times of the month, all women want is chocolate!! I don’t think, or at least I hope, anyone hates me enough to buy a candy bar, tamper it, and send it to me interoffice. Really. Chocolate is always, always good :) you think too much :p
7:59 Joker – I don’t trust people that much
8:01 Grasshopper – Obviously. But srsly, it’s a chocolate bar! Do you think someone hates you that much? That much time on their hands to torture you?
8:02 Joker – Yes I do think people hate me that much
8:04 Grasshopper – Well that`s ridiculous. You need to stop thinking that everyone is out to get you. It’s not true
8:10 Grasshopper – There are a lot of good people out there you know...
8:19 Joker – Maybe so but I’m still not gonna trust anonymous packages
8:27 Grasshopper – That’s fair enough. I’m sorry if it offended you, was just meant as a joke.

I’m not sure how a joke regarding moody men needing Midol has turned into an issue about trust, but such is life. This man has some deep issues. I wonder if he even trusts me. I would never hurt him, but how can I prove that if he won’t give me a chance? I just want him to know I’d never let him down. I’m the one who gets let down, always. Somehow, you just get back up and keep fighting. Perhaps he’s been knocked around one too many times. Does he trust me?

No, actually I don't know. That's why I asked.

By five o’clock on Thursday, I was more than ready to go home. The Joker and I work on the sixth floor, and we had to stop on the fifth and fourth floors before our elevator car was full. We even stopped on the third, but were out of space.

As we’re leaving the building, Athena and her friends are walking one direction, and I’m following (not really following, but by habit we’re walking in the same direction) the Joker towards our trucks. He then proceeds to say “You know, you can walk with Athena if you want.” REALLY!???!! Wow, I am so surprised! Are you giving me permission to walk with one of my best friends?! That is so kind of you! I am eternally grateful! How do I ever make this grand gesture up to you? Okay, so you caught all that sarcasm? Good. I told him that I tend to get quiet and awkward when I’m walking with them, which is very true. I don’t do well when meeting new people and I’m not very successful at joining in conversations, so I wouldn’t have said a word. Once I know someone, I don’t shut up and I tell them everything but until then, it’s not so enjoyable. I told him that my car was in the opposite direction they were walking and it didn’t really make sense to me. This must have satisfied him because he did stop talking then.

When he stops talking, I tend to believe something is wrong and to avoid this I ask him about his job. Works like a charm, I swear. He goes on and on about this, that, and the colour of the sky. He said that when employees call asking how to run the computer programs installed on their computers, he is expected to know. “It’s like just because you have a key to your truck, you know how to fix it.” Ah yes, always get back to the fact that I don’t have a clue how to do anything with Jack. Thanks for the reminder. I said that he was right and he said that he is always right. I called him “Mr. Cocky” and we said our goodnights. (This story does have a point, I promise!!)

Last night I was doing homework on my bed (in the exact same spot I am now, actually!) and my phone beeped. This, alone, is slightly unusual. I thought it might be a text message from Facebook or possibly my sister, but when I checked, well, it was the Joker. He and I haven’t text messaged in about eight months, maybe longer. Okay, so I admit that I did text him last Tuesday just to see if we were allowed to talk outside of work or if that was considered harassment. I thought it was funny!! He replies Wednesday night, while I’m at the Keith Urban concert he knew about and while he was working at his second (or possibly third?) job. “I think we can still talk”. Yeah, I know. Lamesauce. So last night, this was our conversation:

6:53 Joker - So am I too cocky for my own good :)
6:57 Grasshopper - What do you mean?
6:58 Joker - Lol you know :)
7:07 Grasshopper - I guess it depends on the situation. Didn't we discuss confident vs. cocky?
7:20 Grasshopper - Wait: the confidential mail? Lol
7:50 Joker - You mean the confidential male?

7:51 Grasshopper - Is that what its called now? Lol

9:04 Grasshopper - And no, you're not too cocky. :) There are days. And moments but overall... :p

The Joker does not use emoticons or “lol” in use text messages. If I knew what he had meant in the first place, I wouldn’t have asked! What was he talking about? Did he know I was involved on the Midol Joke? Is that what he meant? Can he see on my face what I don’t want to admit? Is that what he’s talking about? “Lol you know :)” What the heck? I know a lot of things, but I don’t know what you know so what is this about? I tried to not throw my phone across the room, with success actually! And then, for him to reply right away to not at all... Like what’s up with that?! Clearly, I need help. Blogging is just so much cheaper than therapy.

Well-Behaved Women Rarely Make History

Thursday morning I e-mailed Athena to vent. Stupid, petty things the Joker had done had really pissed me off. Dude. We park in the same spot every morning, but now you want to park closer to the building. WTF? Okay, I know. It’s a small thing. He didn’t come over to talk at all on Wednesday and it seemed like he was ignoring me. Something about his attitude on Wednesday just really seemed to strike a nerve with me. I started to think about the way he had been talking to me and I realized that I didn’t enjoy being talked at like I was five. It’s slightly disrespectful. Athena did have a plan, as she always seems to! The ultimate practical joke was about to go down.

Athena - I have always wanted to send the Zero some Midol
Grasshopper - DO ITTTTT!!!!!!! That would be hilarious Athena!
Athena - Well if I do, I’m not going in alone!
Grasshopper - Just tell me what you want me to do! They [the Joker and Zero] deserve this!
Athena - Alright, well we’ll need two chocolate bars, two bottles of Midol, and two brand new inter-office envelopes so it can’t be traced (We were planning on sending our surprises through the inter-department mail, and I work on the same floor as the Joker and Zero, but Athena doesn’t.)
Grasshopper - And a magazine, Cosmo or something. Do you want me to go to Shopper’s on my break?
Athena - Sure!
Grasshopper - Okay, I’ll call you when I get back.
And that was it. Plan SPM was in motion.

I asked the lady at Shopper’s to double-bag by supplies. We loaded it into the envelopes, and Athena carefully wrote their names on the outside. We even stamped “Confidential” just to be on the safe side. You never know with IT people. They’re weird and snoopy.

One thing you have to know about me is that I am incapable of lying. If Zero or the Joker had come up to me, (which thank goodness they didn’t! I would’ve died!) and asked me who the packages were from, they would know it was me and Athena. Guilt is painted all over my face, and then I start to laugh and no matter how many times I try, oh so hard, to remain stoic, I fail.

Mr. W picked up the packages (one of the IT managers) and I hid. Seriously! I had 483 invoices to file, so I managed to hide within the comfort of my file cabinets and I didn’t see either one of them until the end of the day. It was humorous when the only girl in IT, Ms IT, came over and asked me who dropped off the packages. Like I said, I couldn’t lie and she thought it was very funny. She said that the first person they guessed was Athena, but she swore herself to secrecy.

As the Joker and I were walking out, he didn’t mention a thing about the Midol Joke. Athena even joined us in the elevator, but nobody said anything. It was great!

Today I had to go into the dreaded IT room. It smells like man sweat in there, very disgusting. Anyways, I saw that Zero was proudly displaying his “medication” on the top of his desk. I couldn’t help myself and I asked if he had eaten his chocolate bar. He asked which chocolate bar, and I said “the one that came with the Midol.” Their manager, Hottie #3, and another co-worker, The A, were there too, and Hottie #3 says, “It was you?!!” I said that I may have had something to do with it (enter wink here!). Zero says, “Well tell Athena that I didn’t eat it.” I asked why not and he proceeds to tell me that they thought it may have been poisoned. I said that it was sealed!! What did we do? Poison it with ex-lax and then reseal it?? I promised that next time we’ll make some brownies and put a little surprise in there. The A and Hottie #3 found that very entertaining. I asked Zero if he had taken any medication and that he should. “You seem a bit off”; once again, they laughed.

Hottie #3 asked me after I left the stinky room who my “accomplices” were. I told him that I had to keep some secrets, but their initial guesses were on track. I admitted it was Athena and I and he was very impressed in our joking abilities. He said we had definitely stumped them and I was happy to take some of the credit!

Ms IT walked by later in the day and said that Athena and I had been found out. I said that I couldn’t take it any longer: we deserve the credit for the awesomeness!! When I told her that Zero hadn’t even eaten his chocolate bar, she said that the Joker threw his out. I couldn’t believe he would do that to a perfectly good chocolate bar! It was Mars! Caramel + chocolate = love!! She said that they thought it might have been poisoned and didn’t want to take any chances. CHOCOLATE. Need I say more?

I am very, very proud of Athena and I! Our joke had completely stumped the boys, and they got exactly what they deserve: a little taste of their own medicine!

Joe Cool?

I don’t get bored very easily, but sometimes my mind just needs a little break. My muscles don’t want to move so what do I do for excitement? Refresh the intranet page. Oh yeah, I’m cool like that. They used to have a “Quote of the Day” but replaced it with some health tip thing. As if I care about going “green”; I want the quote of the day back!

We even have this cool “Buy and Sell” feature and periodically (alright, once an hour!) I check on there to see if there are any cool concert tickets or whatnot. Well this afternoon, I checked and saw that the Joker was selling his rice rocket, noisemaker, motorbike thing. I immediately e-mailed Athena: was he going to sell his motorbike and follow KH around the world? No, she disagreed. The $4,000 he was asking for would never be enough to keep her happy. Ouch. She added that it was too bad he was selling his bike because “it was the only cool thing about him”. Double ouch.

As the Joker and I were walking out, I asked why he had decided to sell it. He said that he only put 1500 km on it this year because he’s too busy with housework and his driveway and the like. It had become a $4,000 paperweight and upon selling it, he can help pay off his dad’s car. He said that his dad bought a new car, but it’s in the Joker’s name and always will be or something like that. It’s his dad’s toy. Intrigued, I asked what kind of car it was. “A ’64 Chevelle Supersport”, he replies. I gasp. Instinctively and completely, I inhaled sharply and then I giggled. I thought he was joking! That is a sexy car; there is no way it is owned by the Joker! I told him that I would never picture him in a car like that, and he asked if I thought he was gay or something. I said “No! No! I don’t know; I just would never think...” I asked what colour it was because that is the only thing I would be able to understand anyways. The rest is gibberish. It is currently a burgundy colour (I was thinking red or black) but it is originally blue. He said that he and his dad have to install the motor (well yes, it is necessary there buddy) and it was going to be the wintertime job. I told him to bring it to work so I could see, but looking back I should have just demanded a ride in it (once the motor is in, of course).

I’m sorry Athena, but a Chevelle is way cooler than a motorbike can ever dream of being!! The Joker has taken me completely by surprise this time. Who would’ve thought he would be cool?

Too Much To Do

Do you know what I would really like? One day where I am not stressed out about anything. Today it’s Jack. I have so many things to do to my new truck and although I want help on some things, others I know that I can do own my own.

Take my front license plate, for example. I have a plate and a plate holder but I have to drill holes in the bumper and install it. Well, I don’t know how to use a drill, first of all. I was lying under the truck the other day, trying to see where I could put the holes (which I’ll also need those anchor bolt things – note to self) but I couldn’t see anything because the truck is lowered down. So here I am, feeling around the bumper trying to see, but I can’t because I’m not all the way under the truck which wouldn’t help anyways. My mom comes home and asks me “what the hell are you doing down there?” I told her that I didn’t have a clue. My, oh my, this is frustrating!

Another thing. I need to buy winter wheels for Jack. Well, it’s a 2WD pick-up (which apparently means something relating to the wheels that I just don’t understand, but whatever) and the Joker has told me that wheels will be hard to find. He said he’s been looking for the past year and half but can’t find anything because of the offset or something. He has a similar pick-up, but his wheels are five stud whereas mine are six. I’ve tried talking to my dad about it, but I kind of want to do it on my own. Still, when I do talk to him about it, somehow we end up talking about one of our four other vehicles instead. Excuse me? Were we not just talking about my vehicle? How exactly does the Kia relate to previously-loved wheels for Jack which we cannot find? I don’t want to talk about the Kia! I want advice for my search! My dad told me today that he never gets to see me. True, I spend about five minutes with you in the mornings and on your days off we try to have family dinners. The Joker told me to ask my dad about the wheels and when I told him I hadn’t told my dad about it, he said I was “lying by omission”. You see, I’m not purposely lying to my dad. I’m not lying to my dad. I never get to see him, so we don’t talk about this. It doesn’t count as lying if there is no communication!

Apparently, new winter tires for my truck are going to cost around seven hundred dollars. Wait just a minute: aha!!! Okay, so mini-freak out over and now I have to call around to these sketch auto-wreckers and ask if they have the wheels I’m looking for. I don’t know what I’m looking for!! The Joker has told me more than once what I need, but I feel so stupid having to ask repeatedly. He has given me so much advice already on the new truck, including how to go over speed bumps. In my defence, the truck is lowered down and rides about 2 ½ inches off of the ground which I’m not used to. How am I supposed to know about shocks? Stop on the top of the speed bump? I don’t know! He did, however, nicely bring up that he taught me how to do that in front of my manager and a co-worker the other day. I’m pretty sure I turned bright red. Thanks for that.

My air-conditioner, which I’m still not used to having, works really well! It’s great to have to turn the fan to the fourth level to feel any air circulating. Not. I told my dad and he suggested I call the dealer and get them to take a look at it. Alright, so I called and made an appointment but when I talked to the Joker about it, he had other ideas. Unbeknownst to me, it was “common sense” to check underneath the dash if it was a problem with the switch. “Just pull the dash off” was his suggestion. Pull the dash off?!!! How the hell do I do that? Why would I do that? My truck-driving father has told me to take it the dealer and the Joker’s telling me to pull the dash off. What the hell?! Then he said it would be easier to see if there was, in fact, a problem with the switch so I’d just have to go down to the dealer and get a new switch. Although, it might be a malfunction in the wiring, I won’t know that until I’ve installed a new switch. Suuurrrreeeeee. I’ll get right on that one.

I don’t know any of the lingo he uses and it all sounds like gibberish. The one thing I do hate is when he uses the “you’re a girl” argument with me. “Typical girl” he says to me. What is that supposed to mean? I don’t know how to do this because I have boobs? Well excuse me, mister asshole! Let me show you that I will learn how to do this and I will do it on my own. I bought the truck because a) I’ve always wanted a truck and never liked my car (except in the summer) b) I wanted to learn how to take care of it, and c) I was bored with life and needed a change. One thing I didn’t account for was the amount of stress and money that was going to come with it! I want to, no, I have to prove the Joker wrong. I’m not a typical girl and I know that I can figure this out.

I think I’ve lived in a mechanics bubble all my life. Dad has always had the theory that there are people who are paid to do this and since we don’t know how and have money, they can do it properly for us. The Joker suggested I take a Mechanics 101 course at the university. He was serious.

It's Too Late To Worry

My relationship with the Joker is a little “odd” to say the least. Lately, we’ve been talking a lot more and he’s been really nice, and dare I say it, sweet.

Every night, or almost every night, in case he’s working late (gotta love overtime!) or one of us has to leave early (which is rare) we walk out together. Those four minutes are really the best part of my day. It doesn’t matter what we’re talking about (we’ve had conversations about where government money should be spend: curing cancer or NASA. I was adamant about the cancer research and he was pro-space discovery. I do think I won that argument though!), we have good chemistry and although we don’t agree on everything, we get along really well.

Yesterday he had to attend the “Respectful Behaviour in the Workplace” seminar, and he asked what I thought about it. I had kind of brushed off the seminar and I didn’t really know what to think about it. I don’t think that I learned anything and most of it was fairly common sense. Hey, it was a waste of time and money, but no one cares I guess! Of course, the Joker had an opinion on it! (Enter shocked face here.) He mentioned how it didn’t seem right that our supervisor’s could get involved in employees personal lives, especially after the work day. The seminar leader told us that if Employee A sends an inappropriate e-mail from his/her personal e-mail account to Employee B’s personal e-mail accounts, it is considered harassment. This is, of course, if he/she doesn’t stop sending them after you ask him/her to. I’m not 100% sure why exactly he would bring this up, but I’m assuming he felt slightly guilty after some of conversations he’s had with fellow employees. I’m not sure. I do know that he had a thing for KH, one of the girls that works at our other office. In fact, I’ve heard he bought her roses for Valentine’s Day and I’ve also heard she is, well, a little “free”. I don’t know; I’ve never met the girl so I cannot say for certain. I’ve also been told he was crazy about another girl, but she told him repeatedly she had a boyfriend. Perhaps he realized some of this could have been considered harassment, but I don’t know why he would tell me.

When I pulled into the parking lot today, the Joker was there. Before me. He is never (with a few exceptions, I must admit) there before me. Hardly ever. When he is, he listens to the radio before going in and usually won’t walk in with me. The chances of him and I walking in together in the morning are slim to none. So when I got there today and saw him sitting in his truck, I didn’t think much of it. I had my Reba blaring and parked beside him, but as I was getting out I heard his door slam. Something is just odd. I can’t quite put my finger on what it is, but these events are just very rare and uncharacteristic of him. I’m not complaining though!

As we walked in, I told him that I was going to the Keith Urban concert tonight (I know and it’s okay to be jealous!) and he said he might call. I couldn’t quite get what he was saying. Was he going to call me while I was at the concert? That would be really weird! He clarified and said that he might call his boss and check if they were “doing the show” (they do the sound for big concerts) but he couldn’t go anyways because he will be working at another job tonight. I swear, this guy works way too much! He said that he had done the Johnny Reid concert a couple of times, and I asked if he had met Johnny. “Of course!” I think I melted! He asked if I was “gogo” over Johnny Reid, although I think he meant “gaga” and I said that I was. Duh! As if I didn’t know, the Joker mentioned that Keith Urban is married as well. “Oh I know. But I can look, can’t I?” See! I am getting better at these comebacks! By this time, our walk/elevator ride was over and we had to start work.

Every day gets a little more interesting and I sure hope this keeps up! Now if only he would reply to my text messages and decide about Alpha, we’d be set!

Back In Black. Or Blue.

YAY! The Joker is back! In full force with the stupid grins, ridiculous comments, all-knowing eyes, and great advice. How I’ve missed it!

Isn’t it odd, to me anyways, how one person can change the outlook on your entire day? One of my friends has been off work for a week and today was his first day back. I had a work seminar this morning (don’t be too jealous. “Respectful Behaviour in the Workplace”, I kid you not. This stuff honestly just happens to me. I can’t even make it up!) and the first thing he says to me? "Why aren’t you returning my phone calls?" Oh my, I’ve missed him! I know that he was joking and when I told him where I had been, he asked if I was going to finally stop harassing him. “I haven’t even started” was my brilliant response. I really need to work on my comebacks. It’s so nice to be able to joke around with him. I only returned from the seminar at noon, so I didn’t even know I had a message from him when he said that! Still, sometimes it is in the little comments and smiles you get from people that can really determine how your day is going to go.

As we were leaving today, I asked him if he had made a decision about coming to Alpha with me. He said that he hadn’t even thought about it (although when I first brought it up he said he would, but I know that he’s been super busy). I couldn’t resist and asked if he was going to think about it (or not... like make a decision here buddy... I know that this sort of thing should not be decided on whim. If he wants to commit and take the course, it will be a big step for him.) and he said “yeah, I will think about it for you”. I think that’s positive! (Note that he said “think about it for you”. I’m not going to take too much time on that, but I’m hoping that means more than what it seems to mean. Really though, what does it even mean? Because I’m asking him, he’ll think about it? He knows that I want him to go, so he’s going to consider it? Will he consider it seriously?) I really think that this course would be really good for him and it would solidify our relationship too. Fingers crossed my friends! Fingers crossed!

I am so glad I have a friend like the Joker in my life. Some people don’t understand or “get” our relationship. Screw them! It’s none of their business and as long as he and I know what’s going on, that’s all that matters.

Jack Can Wait

I really hate arguing with people, especially when it comes to religion. It isn’t a subject I feel comfortable talking, even though I have been a Christian all my life. I often feel as though I can’t answer any of my friends’ questions and claims against Christianity, so I don’t discuss it with them. I know that isn’t what God wants from me, so I’ve been trying to talk about it more and more.

A few months ago, the Joker and I somehow began arguing religion. He had many questions that I couldn’t answer (as usual!) and as his friend, I wanted to help. Scratch that. I felt called by God to find answer to the Joker’s questions. I dove into His word and I attended an intro to Christianity course at our Church. The program is called Alpha, and it allows people to explore some of life’s biggest questions in a safe environment. In it, questions like “Is there a God?”, “Why am I here?”, and “Where am I going?” are all discussed. No question is too big or too hostile for this course!

Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve really felt God telling me that the time is right to ask the Joker to come to Alpha with me. I know the Joker has always wanted answers to his questions (like any normal person!) but no one seems to be able to counteract his claims, (I’ve tried, oh so unsuccessfully.) so I knew that I had to ask him. It was do or die time!

We were walking out, and he was making fun of my new-to-me pick-up because I had named him Jack. The Joker is going on and on about how many different ways he can tease me about that. Jack Black. Blackjack. Jack and the Beanstalk. Jack and Jill. Jack Sparrow. (He must really think he is one funny guy. Someone should set him straight!!) I told him that I had to ask him something, and his reply? “But I’m not finished making fun of Jack.” I told him that he could continue after; this would only take a second. Nervous as anything, I did. I told him about the program and he said that he had been to church before. I said that didn’t mean he had answers to all of his questions and I even went to the course, though I grew up in the church. We discussed it for a few minutes and he said that he would think about it. I told him that I would go with him (he said that sounded like I was going to be his AA sponsor. Seriously, why does he think he’s so funny??) because I didn’t want him to feel pressured by going alone. He told me that he would let me know, which is good because I didn’t want an answer right aways.

I know that the program would be good for him, and good for our friendship. I really feel that the time is right and that the Joker and I are moving into a stronger relationship. I even told him, “I’m just trying to be a good friend.” That was the first time I’ve called him a friend to his face since we’ve known each other (almost fourteen months). I don’t think the Joker will turn down a challenge, but this is a Mount Everest sized one. He does love to argue, especially with me, so hopefully he will come with me and explore the meaning of life.

Sommersaults and Jumping Jacks

Alright, so it’s time for a light bulb moment! I can tell that you are just jumping out of your skin for this one! My best friend (or friend that has been there for me when I’ve really needed someone) this week has been the Joker! Wow, who saw this one coming? I haven’t posted anything on the Joker yet because he has been somewhat out of the picture lately, but I think after this crazy week, he deserves a gold star.

My cousin, Ryan*, is getting married in a couple of weeks and has been, well harassing, for lack of a better word, our family to convince us a) he’s a changed man and no longer a lying, stealing, crackhead, and b) since he is all changed and “clean” we should come to the wedding so we can buy him wedding presents and give him money (okay, so maybe he didn’t mention the presents/money part, but we know better). My uncle asked him the other week why he is getting married. Ryan answered that he is “in love”. What he failed to mention is that his girlfriend is six months pregnant. I don’t believe a word Ryan says, since he has lied to my parents many times and is eight years older than me so he wasn’t around much. Jail will do that to you, I guess. Now that he’s allegedly clean, he’s coming down to visit. Yippee. I’m happy on the inside. Not. He has been calling and we’ve been avoiding. Just because he’s left messages does not mean we’ve got them. It is very possible our answering machine has been broken for a couple weeks now. Maybe it’s mad at Ryan too! Caller ID is the best invention ever, and even if you block your number, we’re still not going to answer or call you back. Get a clue! We don’t want to talk to you!

Since Ryan failed to interpret these tell-tale signs, he was determined to meet with us for coffee. We had heard through the grapevine (thanks Opa!) that he was coming down on Tuesday and wanted to come over to our house for coffee. Ryan hadn’t even told us he was coming, or who was coming for that matter. Okay, so we never returned his calls. Big whoop! He could have said something about that in the message instead of just asking us to call him. Tuesday was truly a day from hell as I dreaded going home. I’m imagining the worst possible scenario (besides him showing up at my work): they’re parked on the driveway when I get home at five but mom and sis won’t be home until six-thirty. Luckily, that didn’t happen and we met them for coffee at Tim Hortons. (My uncle’s ex-girlfriend (LONG story) had suggested we meet them at her place instead but my mom persisted: “I don’t do warm and fuzzy with these people.”)

I don’t believe a word Ryan told us about being clean. His eyes were still bloodshot and he was wearing sunglasses when we got there. It was getting dark and the glasses were unnecessary. It was a “pleasant” visit, and short enough that we didn’t have to fake our niceness too much. The only thing Ryan wanted to know was if we were going to their wedding, but we continued to put off the question. I hated it. Every minute, having to sit there and pretend that I believed what he was saying. Honestly! I haven’t talked to him in about four months, and I haven’t seen him in eight years! But no, now that he is all clean, sober, changed, and in-love, he’s supposed to be a different man? I don’t buy it! I’m not that naive and after everything he’s put my family through, put this in your juice box and suck it!

Obviously dreading this night, I wanted to talk to someone about it but it seemed as though all of my friends had other plans. I don’t tell many people about my screwed up family because it’s none of their business. I had planned on talking to T-Rex about it and did somewhat, but he seemed pre-occupied when I tried bringing up the subject. Wise One has four kids and a husband home from Afghanistan, so I didn’t want to be bothering her with all of my family crazy. My other friend, VWBug, has no clue what my family is all about and it’s a long story. I didn’t want to catch her up on it all, and although I could have I don’t feel comfortable enough to tell her everything. That part is odd considering I’ve known her since I was eight, but I guess I didn’t trust her enough to tell her what was happening.

How does the Joker tie in to all of this? I work with him, and a while back I had a crush on him. Turns out, he didn’t feel the same, so we’re friends. From the outside (and inside too actually), you could say we have an odd relationship. We park beside each other every day in the parking lot furthest away from our building. (I have yet to figure out why we park here but we do. It’s weird.) Since the Joker and I work on the same floor and have the same hours, we walk out together every night. In a four minute walk, you can find out a lot about someone! At the beginning, I did most of the talking and he kept everything in. We are eight years apart and he’s a private person; it just so happens that I’m not. I had no problem opening up to him, but after a while I had to stop. I was telling him all sorts of information but not finding anything out about him which made me wonder why he wasn’t opening up yet. It’s taken some time, but I think we’re finally getting there.

On Monday, I mentioned to him about the coffee date from hell and he advised me to skip it. I told him that I couldn’t do that; family was involved. I gave off bits and pieces of information (I am getting very good at keeping the important information to myself: add mystery!) After work on Tuesday, he asked if I was ready (for the family). I told him that “my stomach is doing jumping jacks and somersaults!” He took that as a “no”. Luckily, he changed the subject but he asked me on Wednesday how it went. I told him we were fed a bunch of bullshit and that I couldn’t even look in Ryan’s eyes because they were full of lies.

Later that night, I text messaged T-Rex and told him how it had gone. He was “out and about” and said we could talk on msn the next day. I agreed but felt humiliated. Here he was, out with his friends, and I’m spilling my heart out and he can’t even talk. I know that he wouldn’t have had anything important to say back, but I wanted him to listen to me. He didn’t get how important this was to me and how badly I wanted him to say something nice to comfort me. This was a big event in my life that had brought a lot of drama lately and I wanted to share it with him.

Today I had my light bulb moment! After everything that had gone on, it was the Joker who truly listened. Okay, so I didn’t tell him everything about the family, but I did tell him enough. He didn’t have great advice or words of wisdom for me, and no, “skip it” is not great advice. None of that matters though. He was there for me. He remembered on Tuesday that they were coming that night, and then he asked me on Wednesday how it had gone. He listened to me. He, dare I say it, cared! His personality has done a complete 180 lately, but I am so glad and I can honestly say that he is my friend now. It’s about time!