Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Candy Coated Misery

“He looks like a cool drink of water but he’s candy coated misery.”

Ah, Carrie Underwood, how I love you!!!! Her latest song, Cowboy Casanova, is, by far, my favourite one of hers. This line speaks to me completely and the more I hear it, the more I know how true it is! How many times to we get pulled in by those beautiful eyes and that smile that can light up a room? Gosh, they show us a little bit of attention and before you know it, you become so attached to them that you cry when they don’t talk to you for a week. Oh, you don’t do that? That’s just me? Yeah, I know I have a problem!

So, Mr. Candy Coated Misery is really asking for a slap now. I decided it would be a “good” idea to message M&M. I had talked about it with Bestie and everything seemed to be piling up at once. I couldn't’t focus on my schoolwork and I was really quiet and kind of ignoring everyone; I was trying to figure out what to do on my own but I couldn't’t. She reasoned with me and I messaged him. Nothing crazy, just a simple message:

How did the grand opening go? I came by on Saturday and there was wall-to-wall people! I guess that's a good sign, eh?
Sorry I didn't have time to talk the other night. 'Twas my best friends birthday party and I was running late.
Text me sometime, k? 555-555-9115

Apparently, this was a bad idea. Either that or he is unconscious in a coma in the hospital. Ugh, I am so done. He’s been online to check, I know for a fact. I can’t text him (thank goodness!!) because I deleted loser boy out of my cell. I just don’t get it! Clearly, he was just using me all along and I was too blind to notice because I thought we were friends. Well, Mr. Candy Coated Misery, take your candy and go suck it!!

Monday, October 26, 2009

My Blog, My Way

I have been reading a lot of other blog posts lately, and I feel like I have to get something out there: This blog is all about me. I don’t care if anyone follows, comments, or even reads what I post. I truly could care less. This blog is my opportunity to finally vent and say what I need to say. I use codenames so only a few people know who I am talking about because if, for example, The Joker ever found this page, the shit would hit the fan. I just want to feel how I feel, bitch when I wanna bitch, and float around on cloud nine when the time’s right. I don’t care if you like me or not because, like I said, this is all about me. If you like it, great. Pour yourself a tall whiskey and join the fun.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Tug Of War

I’ve come to the conclusion that I have no clue what to do about M&M. Surprising? It shouldn’t be, really.

You know in elementary school where on Sports Day, all of the students are formed into those four groups (I think I was always red, but for some reason blue always won. Robbie must have been on the Blue Team. He won at everything. Man, I hate him) and they torture you by forcing you to play team sports with students you hate? There’s that stupid, I mean super fun, parachute game where they put a bunch of bean bags on the parachute and all of the kids stand around the parachute and wave it around as hard as they possibly can until all of the other bean bags but their teams colour’s have fallen off of the parachute. Really. Well, this is kind of like a game of tug-of-war. I’m not really sure where the parachute story came from, except that I hated it and for some reason my mom was always in charge of that station.

Anyways, back to my heart and head. They’re being pulled in two different directions, like a tug-of-war. I want, desperately to talk to him but I don’t know what to say. I’m afraid that he really was just using me as an ego boost, but I don’t want to believe that. Not just yet. I want to talk to him about it all, in person. If he was so disappointed that I didn’t talk more the other night, why didn’t he message me about it? He knows where to find me, so why the hell do I have to do all of the work? Obviously he doesn’t want to make our friendship work. He never did. When he stopped talking to me, I kept trying to fix it. Do I need to tell him that? Why do I seem to constantly disappear out of people’s lives? Am I that forgettable?

As much as I would absolutely love to leave it at that tonight (that is the kind of mood I am in!), I can’t. Reason 1: I talk too much. Reason 2: I fight until the end. Did it feel like my heart had been ripped to shreds and then put through the shredder? Absolutely. Was it my fault? Was it his? Who knows and who really cares anymore. The past is the past and needs to be left there. My motto is “No looking back allowed.” Well I know in my heart of hearts that I am not the same person I was then. I’ve learned a lot about myself since it all went down and I know the difference between right and wrong. Was I used? Did he just need me to get off or as an ego boost? Most likely. I know he trusted me and you can’t find that very often these days. What do they say about that? Trust takes years to build and mere suspicion to destroy. Perhaps this is worth fighting for. Again.

...Maybe there is a reallllllllly good excuse.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Sorting Out These Thoughts

So remember when I was telling ya’ll about my run-in with M&M the other night before VWBug’s birthday party? Well he stopped and talked to Bestie last night and she said he sounded disappointed that I didn’t stop and talk to him that night. Honestly, I can’t make this stuff up! If you don’t know by now, when I’m upset or have to sort something out, I make a list. Pro-Con lists take too much time, but numbering ones are just as effective. Sorry Rory Gilmore!!

#1 – He has no right to be mad at me for not wanting to talk to him. After all of the times I have tried and tried to get a hold of him via text, Facebook, and msn he didn’t have the decency to reply, and cannot be mad at me for not trying. I fucking tried. If he doesn’t want to reply, that’s his shit. I did what I had to do, so screw him.

#2 – What did he want me to say to him that night? He was there with two other girls and I was walking in with Giraffe. What was I supposed to do? Go up and give him a hug and pretend like nothing happened? I can’t sweep this under the rug. Somebody’s going to trip.

#3 – Of course I miss him. I’m crazy, but I have to admit that I want things to go back to how they were: when they were good, they were really good. He was there for me and he listened to me and supported me. He was my best friend; there’s no denying that and I miss how we were.

#4 – Do I need to apologize? Did he really do anything wrong? He told me those things, perhaps not to act like a parasite but maybe because he really trusted me. Maybe it was because he wanted me to know. Maybe it was his way of showing me he cared. Maybe he doesn’t know what happened or how it made me feel. Maybe he just doesn’t understand. Maybe I need to explain to him what happened.

#5 – So what happened, Grasshopper? He stopped replying to your messages so you abandoned your friendship with M&M? That’s not like you. Didn’t it hurt more once you cut him out of your life than when he was telling you every aspect of his life? Why did you abandon him, really? Kind of self-centered to think you were the only person he ever talked to, even if he did make it seem that way. Isn’t space and time good for a relationship? You didn’t give him much time either; only two weeks before deleting him out of your life. How is that fair? Look at how quickly time is passing now: maybe he was really busy and just so caught up with everything that he didn’t realize how long it had been. I’m not trying to make excuses for him, but it’s time to face all of the facts.

#6 – Why did it hurt? Honestly, you couldn’t even see his name without that pain. What was the pain from? He didn’t even try to get a hold of you. Yes, that’s painful but that’s no reason to cut him out of your life. People deserve second chances and God put him in your life for a reason: to grow, mature, and find out who the hell you are. When are you going to give it up?

I keep reading and re-reading this list, and I still have no clue what to do. I was hoping that at the end of this I’d have a clear vision of what I was supposed to do, but I still know nothing. Maybe I’ll message him. I don’t know what I’d even say...

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Things You Would Love To Say At Work... But Can't

I don't know if ya'll have seen this one or not, but my manager sent it to me a while back. It's too good to keep to myself. Enjoy!

I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
Ahhhh. I see the f ***-up fairy has visited us again.
I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a sh*t.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
Any resemblance between your reality and mine are purely coincidental.
What am I, Flypaper for freaks?!
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
And your cry-baby whiny-arsed opinion would be?
Do I look like a f****** people person to you?
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.
Oh I get it. Like humour, but different.........
An office is just a mental institute without the padded walls.
Can I swap this job for what's behind door .........1?
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Nice perfume (or aftershave). Must you marinate in it?
Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
I thought I wanted a career; it turns out I just needed the money.
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being more intelligent.
Wait a minute - I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
Aren't you a black hole of need?
I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?
Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?
Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.
If you have something to say raise your hand......... then place it over your mouth.
I'm too busy, can I ignore you some other time?
Don't let your mind wander, its too small to be let out on its own.
Have a nice day, somewhere else.
You're not yourself today; I noticed the improvement straight away.
You are as pretty as a picture; I'd really like to hang you.
Don't believe everything you think.
Do you hear that? That's the sound of no-one caring.

Okay, that's all the fun I can handle now. Time for some homework. Hopefully some new stuff later!

Sunday, October 18, 2009

A Good Friend And A Glass Of Wine

VWBug and I went for coffee last night and I feel so good about where I am in my life right now. I really feel like I have things all planned out and that I’ve finally figured out who I am, what I want in life, and how I’m going to get there. I’ve never felt so completely content and happy with the way things are going. It is such a beautiful feeling; almost out-of-body!

So I’m sure you’re all wondering what the plans for my life are, so I’m going to tell you! Well we really talked about how we envisioned our lives and since I’m going to be twenty-one in February, I think that is a really good time to start a RRSP or some type of retirement savings plan. I also really want to buy a condo here, but my contract at the City is up at the end of the year and out of all of the advice my Dad’s given me, I know he’s right about this one thing: wait until your contract has been renewed before buying a place. So I figure that should give me plenty of time. Giraffe, VWBug, and I are planning a Mexican getaway this winter (December 27th to be exact!!) so I have time between then and now to a) save up for my insurance for my truck because I don`t know how the accident is going to affect all of that buy I want to be prepared and b) save up for my trip. Once I get back, there’s just over a month before my birthday and my savings plan decisions which will probably last all of February (who are we kidding?) so that puts me back to March or maybe even April before seriously looking at a condo. !!!!!!!!!!!! OH! I’m so excited!

I was talking to VWBug last night about my perfect evening. I told her that I want to come home and park in my underground parking lot. I want to pour a glass half-full (because the glass is always half-FULL) of red wine and slip into my claw foot bathtub with my vanilla candles and read a good C.S. Lewis book. Doesn’t that sound fabulous? I can’t wait to be fabulous! Walk around the house my robe with my glass of red wine. Cook pasta and talk to my mom on the phone. Watch Desperate Housewives while Facebooking all my girlfriends. Ah, it sounds fabulous.

Life is so good. Sometimes all you need is a little red wine and a good girlfriend to remind you of all the love in the world and how many people love you for you. Ain’t life fabulous?

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Song Of The Day

Well for the first time ever today, I was sent home from work because I’m sick. I like to think I have my dad’s stamina when it comes to colds: keep going until you vomit. My dad is my hero when it comes to sicknesses. He never, ever calls in sick! That being said, I don’t really have a lot else to say today, well just not yet anyways! I wanted to share the song that has been stuck in my head all day instead. While I’ve been sick, I’ve had a lot of time on my hands which has given me the rare opportunity to catch up on my movie watching. Best movie ever? P.S. I Love You. Gerard Butler. Enough said!! My favourite song from that (or one of them anyways) is NeedToBreathe – More Time.

I promised you the world again
Everything within my hands
All the riches one could dream
They will come from me

I hoped that you could understand
That this is not what I had planned
Please don’t worry now
It will turn around

Cause I need more time
Just a few more months and we’ll be fine
So say what’s on your mind
Cause I can’t figure out just what’s inside

I hoped that you could understand
That this is not what I had planned
Please don’t worry now
It will turn around

Cause I need more time
Just a few more months and we’ll be fine
So say what’s on your mind
Cause I can’t figure out just what’s inside
So say alright
Cause I know we can make it if we try
Cause I need more time
Just a few more months and we’ll be fine

We’re off to new lands
So hold on to my hands
It’s gonna be alright
It’s a whole lot brighter
So stand by the fire
It’s gonna be alright
Yeah, the road gets harder
But it’s not much farther
It’s gonna be alright
You know that it ain’t easy
Please believe me
It’s gonna be alright

Please don’t worry now
It will turn around

Cause I need more time
Just a few more months and we’ll be fine
So say what’s on your mind
Cause I can’t figure out just what’s inside
So say alright
Cause I know we can make it if we try
Cause I need more time
Just a few more months and we’ll be fine

(Lyrics courtesy of

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

After my meltdown on Friday, I picked Giraffe up and we were ready for a night out on the town!! It was time for my “Drinking Buddy” and I to let loose! Time to let our hair down and party until the sun comes up! Okay, so we were actually headed to VWBug’s cousin’s apartment in this sketch neighbourhood, but rum was going to be involved so I was excited! Especially considering the week of hell I had just had, it was long overdue for some harmless drinking with the girls.

One of my biggest pet peeves in life is people who are late. Honestly, if you can’t come on time, why bother coming?! I would much rather be half an hour early and sit around, read some horrible magazines (if you are, as clearly I am in this example, in an office of sorts), and make small talk with the people around than to show up even two minutes late. I despise being late and I think it is always nice if one knows they are going to be late, to call the destination to advise them of such inappropriate behaviour. Well, on Friday I was running late. I am hardly ever late, because as I said, I HATE IT! Crying will do that to you, I guess.

Well Bestie had been begging me to drop by her work at the mall to drop off one of our USB cables for her iPod. I think she should have been born a blonde, but since the mall’s food court was on our way, it wasn’t an inconvenience. Giraffe and I were already running late and I wanted to just pop in and out without too much of a hassle. You know how when you’re in a rush, you tend to bump into someone you know? M&M. Ah yes. (You can hear all about our history here.) The man finally got a job which just so happens to be right beside Bestie’s work and he just so happened to be standing in the middle of the entrance way. I knew that he had a job there and a couple of weeks ago I re-friend requested him on Facebook. He accepted and I messaged him. To my surprise, M&M even replied so I sent him another message to which he did not respond. A few days later, I messaged him again. You would really think that I would start to take the hint, but obviously not.

So here we are: Giraffe and I all dolled up, running into the mall, awkwardly greeting M&M, dropping off Bestie’s USB cable, and running out back to my car. Well yes, that was one way to start our evening. I never thought I’d see him again, so when I did I was a little shocked. I smiled at him and said “Hi” quietly from far away. He said “hey, how’s it going” (such an M& M thing to do). I think I replied but I am kind of hoping I just nodded and ran off in the opposite direction. I can’t remember.

With that awkward “I was hoping I’d never see you again and now that we’re here I don’t know what to say because I still dislike you” moment out of the way, it was time for a party! My best friend, VWBug had finally turned the big 2-0! It doesn’t seem like it, but exiting the teens and becoming a twenty-something is quite a stressful event! I guess the three of us deal with stress in the same way: rum.

We met some new people (VWBug’s cousin KM, best friend AK, and two guys that they work with DC and CW) and I think we played Circle of Death at one point. Of course, VWBug had just broken up with her boyfriend the day before, so he called and showed up during the night but KM went out to deal with him. All in all, it was a great night! We didn’t do anything crazy, but it was a lot of fun to have some fun with them.

So raise your coffee mug; I’d like to make a toast: To a better week this week with less drama, less stress, and more love.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Everything At Once

When I got home Friday, I curled into a ball and wept like a baby on my bedroom floor. You know those scenes you see in movies where everything that could possibly go wrong has, and the character has no other option but cry? Oh yeah; THAT was my Friday. ‘Twas the day everything came to a head and I couldn’t handle it anymore and trust me, I can handle a lot of crap.

Friday morning, I e-mailed Athena about the comment Mrs. O had made about the Joker’s face lighting up when he sees me. She tells me that it’s a race I can’t win on endurance and he wants someone like KH and when he can’t have her, I’m the ego boost for this parasite. She told me to get my head out of my ass and face reality. When I told her that I knew all of that, she told me not to lie to her and stop crushing on him.

The Joker and I are friends. I know this. We will never be more than friends. I know this. He does not want me. I KNOW THIS!! Thanks for making me feel about two inches tall. I shouldn’t have to defend my friendship with the Joker to anyone. After the accident, he calmed me down like no one else can. He understands me and knows when I need space or when I need a fricken hug! We are friends. I want to be his friend. That’s what I am. I am not lying. Why do people have to assume more?!

I called the body shop on Friday to find out when I could go about getting a rental car since I knew Jack was going to be in the shop for a while. The secretary told me that she had just talked to my Dad who told them I didn’t need one. Excuse me? Who is my Dad to tell them whether or not I need a rental car? What part of “let me do this on my own and please stay out of it” is confusing to you? My dad told me after work on Friday that there is $4,900 worth of damage to my truck. OMG. I caused $4,900 worth of damage to my Jack.

This whole homework thing, I’m still not used to. I had a homework assignment due Friday at midnight like every other week and I submitted it on Thursday. Since it’s an online course, they let you do the assignment as many times as you want to before the due date. On Thursday, my mark was like 85% or something and I was going to do it again after work on Friday, but I ran out of time. I tend to get very disappointed in myself easily, especially when I know that I could’ve done so much better on that assignment.

I guess Friday was one of those days where everything seemed to come at me all at once: Athena smacking some sense into me; having to defend and seriously evaluate my relationship with the Joker; my Dad butting into my life when I just want him to let me deal with this on my own; and my disappointment in my time management with my homework. So VWBug, Giraffe, and I went out drinking. That’s another story!

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Sweet Magnet

I don’t know what to think about this and honestly, I haven’t had much time to myself to think about what happened today. Between work and school and the accident, my head has been a million different places today.

The Joker came by my counter this morning as usual and we talked about my insurance claim and Jack and yadda yadda yadda. He headed to his office and I went back to work. So I’m sitting there, working away and one of the other ladies I work with comes over to my counter. Mrs. O is one of the sweetest ladies I know! I’ve only been at my current job posting for eleven months (12 on the 24th of this month!!) and she’s been so kind to me since I started. She works in a cubicle in the back and doesn’t come out all too often. When she does, she always has a minute to chat. This morning, she bee-lines it for my counter:

Mrs. O – [The Joker] must be sweet on you. He’s always at the counter here. It’s like a magnet for him (laughing)
Me – Oh. You think so?
Mrs. O – Sure! His face lights up when he sees you
Me – Oh, no, I don’t think so...
Mrs. O – Oh I can see it

I don’t know what to think, but let’s just throw the fact that now more people are starting to think that there is something going on. There isn’t! I do trust Mrs. O though when she says his face lights up. I have no other way of knowing, which is awkward. So I’m not really sure what exactly is going on but if he is “sweet on [me]”, he’ll know what to do. We’ve had that talk though, and there’s nothing going on. Try telling that to Mrs. O.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Crap Happens

I’m not really sure how to preface this. I’ve been staring at the blank screen watching the little black line flash up and down and the only thing I can think? I could’ve died today. Sure, Nickelback can sing “If Today Was Your Last Day” all they want, but truly, today could’ve been my last day.

My new-to-me pick-up, which I’ve named Jack (I <3 Jack!), was lowered down when I bought it, but the bottoming out on speed bumps became an issue. I had it raised to stock height and went to pick it up today. $600 later, he was as sexy as ever. And yes, I do refer to Jack as my lover and boyfriend quite often. So after picking him up this morning, I was still really early for work so I decided to gas up my truck and I took some cash out. I drove around a little bit and as I was just about to make the last turn, I got hit. I didn’t even see her coming, and I cut her off. She nailed the back bumper and side panel of my Jack. Luckily, I guess, I sped up to try to miss the collision so she only hit the back bumper. It could’ve been a lot worse. Yes, we are both fine. Yes, my insurance will go up 30% the first year, 20% the second, and 10% the third. Yes, it was my fault. I could’ve died.

We exchanged info, and I drove to work. I parked, called my mom, and cried like a baby. She tried to calm me down, but I was too wound up to really listen. As I was on the phone with her, the Joker pulled in beside me. He saw the damage and gave me a hug to try to calm me down. Obviously, that didn’t work and he said that it could and would be fixed. He stroked my back a couple of times to comfort me as I swore like a sailor at myself. We walked in together and he tried to get me to relax, but I was still teary eyed. I was so mad at myself for allowing this to happen. “I didn’t have to take money out this morning. I didn’t have to gas my truck up. I should’ve come straight from the shop.” He told me not to play the “What If” game; it doesn’t change what’s happened. His advice? Get a couple of girlfriends over and go out drinking. Really? That’s not going to make Jack better. “My problems will still be there in the morning, and I’ll be sick.” Smart words for a twenty year old, eh?

FML. Seriously. I am so mad at myself. It has made me think what if it really had been my last day? What would I change? I’m so sorry Jack. I don’t need this right now! Perhaps tomorrow morning, I won’t repeat the same words I said this morning: “Why are things going so well?” Yeah, that’s what I get.

Monday, October 5, 2009

How much is too much?

So where exactly is the line? You know, the line between “we’re friends so I’ll tell you what’s going on” and “why the hell do you want to know? It’s not like you care”. Where’s the line? Since the Joker has been asking me about my Facebook status the other day, I’m a little unsure as to why he wants to know. I don’t believe he has ulterior motives, but it’s uncharacteristic of him to be so gosh-darn curious, which makes me curious!

I Facebook messaged him Saturday night, around 10:30 (as if anyone really cares about what time I messaged him!), telling him that my status (“what was I thinking”) was a long maze of a story. He deserved some sort of explanation after I refused to banter Friday, and I guess I was hoping the “long maze of a story” would suffice. I put my phone on lock and went to bed. Please don’t judge me! I had been taking shots of Jagermeister with my mom. And sister. And dad. Well, I don’t think Dad had any Jager, but we did have some fun that night! Perhaps my tipsiness had a slight effect on my decision to message the Joker, but I’m pretty sure I would’ve done that anyways. It was just a matter of timing.

The next morning, I checked my Blackberry (as always!) and saw that he had text messaged me. Like I’ve said before, he DOESN’T text me. Weirddddd.

10:58 pm The Joker – What were you thinking?

Seriously! Why do you want to know?! Doesn’t my “long maze of a story” raise a couple of red flags? It’s code for “I’ll tell you if you really want to know, but I don’t think you want to know so run while you still can!” I guess he’s a little slow. Maybe the text message was his way of saying that he DID really want to know. How do I reply to him? Honestly, I had thought that maybe the Joker had changed his mind, but I knew that was impossible. I cannot tell him that!! I had also realized that I was crazy for ever liking T-Rex. Each one of his pictures has him holding a drink or talking about drinking. That is the complete opposite of me. Immature. Immature. Immature. Not something I am used to so why on Earth did I like him? Oi.

Guilty as hell, I knew that I had to reply to the Joker. So what do I say to him to throw him off?

10:37 am The Grasshopper – Lol it truly is a long story. I don’t know if you really want to hear about all my boy problems :p

No reply. Oh yeah! That’s right mister!! I WIN!

I still don’t know how much information I should be sharing with him. If he would have replied, I’m sure I would have told him what I had been thinking about T-Rex, but I am glad that I didn’t have to! This is yet another lesson this young grasshopper will have to figure out all on her own.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Banter Be Gone

Banter. Love it or hate it, it’s hard to escape it. There are always those people in our lives that can speak to us in such a teasingly witty way it can be hard to take them seriously. Perhaps it is because they don’t want to discuss anything serious and use this as a way of cleverly changing the topic to something playful. Maybe they don’t want to talk about themselves or would prefer to discuss one’s ever changing hair colour. Whatever the reason, banter has its advantages. Let’s not lie. If used properly, banter can be a great way to pass the time and it really can be quite funny. If it is used excessively, however, it can be quite exhausting. I know. You’re shaking your head, wondering where I am going with all of this. I don’t really know yet.

This entire week, the banter between the Joker and I has been excessive. It usually is, but for some reason it seemed to bother me. We talked about many things, from Jack to my boring relationship status. At the end of our conversations, my head is spinning, especially this week! Sure, he knows a lot of things about a lot of topics. He has great advice for me and when it comes to my truck, he knows what to do and is always willing to listen (or should I say banter?) Whatever you want to call it, this week I felt very stupid after talking to him. I don’t think of myself as a witty person (I have many witnesses to account for this!) so I find it very hard to keep up with him. Usually I’m able to keep my own while we’re talking. I like to find ways to prove him wrong because it is the only time I can talk to him. I guess it’s as normal as we’ll ever get.

I’m not sure why this week was so different, but I couldn’t do it today! He came by to talk many times today and I had to tell him that the banter wasn’t happening. He looked confused (and a little disappointed which I don’t like. This was after KH stopped by to visit. For an hour. With Starbucks. Bitch.) but I promised to work on my banter-ness. He wanted to know what my Facebook status was all about. Actually, he asked me “so what were you thinking?” About what?!! I think about a lot of things, and right now I’m not sure what the hell to think! Why don’t you clarify and tell me what to think, because I will do what you think I should. “about what? [enter awkward silence while he grins at me. Thinking. Still thinking. What the hell is he talking about? Enter lightbulb moment! My Facebook status! I had said “what was I thinking?” why does he want to know?] OH! My Facebook status?!” The Joker continues to smile, and repeats his question. I told him I couldn’t remember (sorry, kind of thinking about a couple other things at the moment!) and he tried some witty comments. When I wasn’t laughing, I apologized, but couldn’t banter today. My wittiness takes time, thoughtful consideration, and motive. I’ve got nothing, so too bad!

I am hoping for an end to the banter. My head hurts too much when I get home! We talk so fast and about so many things that it can be exhausting! Why can’t we just talk normally? This banter is on the verge of flirting and that is something the Joker and I need to stay far, far away from! Although I can’t ignore him (he makes himself known!), he knows how to push my buttons. Sure, there are days I love the banter! Now, though, I hate it. There is not enough Advil in the world to entice me to keep it up.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Dear Facebook

Dear Facebook,

It’s been four years now and we’ve been through a lot together. You’ve been there for me many times when I couldn’t go on. It was you I’ve always turned to. You saw my tears before anyone else and heard my laughter amidst all the pain.

I need to tell you something serious though. As much fun as it would be to reminisce on all of the great times we’ve shared, I can’t go on. I love you too much but I don’t feel the same love for you. I keep giving and giving but you don’t love me back anymore. No new friend requests, no messages, no new notifications. I can’t do this. I don’t have any new photos and My Fairlyland has lost its lustre.

Why would you say that? Yes, to be honest, I am seeing someone else. I’ve been flirting around a little bit because you’re just not treating me like I need you to.

I’ve spent some time with Myspace, Twitter, Wordpress, and Tumblr. Blogger has me smitten. I can say whatever I want and I won’t be judged.

Don’t cry. It’s not your fault. Sometimes it just isn’t meant to be no matter how hard we try. I need a break. I need some space, Facebook. There is nothing else I can do right now. I know you don’t love me as much as I love you.

You’re with them now. I get it. I’ve accepted the fact we can’t go on. I can no longer live up to your expectations. No amount of photo albums or notes can keep me here. I don’t want a new application. The chat? It’s just lame.

You know I’ll be back Facebook. I just need a little space right now. We’re strong enough to get through this, but right now, your heart is just not in this. I get it. Don't worry about me; I've been through this before.

Love Always,
The Grasshopper