Sunday, October 25, 2009

Tug Of War

I’ve come to the conclusion that I have no clue what to do about M&M. Surprising? It shouldn’t be, really.

You know in elementary school where on Sports Day, all of the students are formed into those four groups (I think I was always red, but for some reason blue always won. Robbie must have been on the Blue Team. He won at everything. Man, I hate him) and they torture you by forcing you to play team sports with students you hate? There’s that stupid, I mean super fun, parachute game where they put a bunch of bean bags on the parachute and all of the kids stand around the parachute and wave it around as hard as they possibly can until all of the other bean bags but their teams colour’s have fallen off of the parachute. Really. Well, this is kind of like a game of tug-of-war. I’m not really sure where the parachute story came from, except that I hated it and for some reason my mom was always in charge of that station.

Anyways, back to my heart and head. They’re being pulled in two different directions, like a tug-of-war. I want, desperately to talk to him but I don’t know what to say. I’m afraid that he really was just using me as an ego boost, but I don’t want to believe that. Not just yet. I want to talk to him about it all, in person. If he was so disappointed that I didn’t talk more the other night, why didn’t he message me about it? He knows where to find me, so why the hell do I have to do all of the work? Obviously he doesn’t want to make our friendship work. He never did. When he stopped talking to me, I kept trying to fix it. Do I need to tell him that? Why do I seem to constantly disappear out of people’s lives? Am I that forgettable?

As much as I would absolutely love to leave it at that tonight (that is the kind of mood I am in!), I can’t. Reason 1: I talk too much. Reason 2: I fight until the end. Did it feel like my heart had been ripped to shreds and then put through the shredder? Absolutely. Was it my fault? Was it his? Who knows and who really cares anymore. The past is the past and needs to be left there. My motto is “No looking back allowed.” Well I know in my heart of hearts that I am not the same person I was then. I’ve learned a lot about myself since it all went down and I know the difference between right and wrong. Was I used? Did he just need me to get off or as an ego boost? Most likely. I know he trusted me and you can’t find that very often these days. What do they say about that? Trust takes years to build and mere suspicion to destroy. Perhaps this is worth fighting for. Again.

...Maybe there is a reallllllllly good excuse.


Anonymous said...

One of my biggest fears is being forgettable. AND I talk too much also. AND I'm really impulsive. If I've learned anything from my own mistakes, it's to wait a few days. Let the emotions settle a bit and then decide what I want to do! Love!!

The Grasshopper said...

Thanks! Yeah, I tend to be FAR too impulsive. If someone makes me mad, I tend to tell them without thinking it through. If there's one thing I've learned, it's definitely to not act on impulse!
thanks :)