Friday, October 23, 2009

Sorting Out These Thoughts

So remember when I was telling ya’ll about my run-in with M&M the other night before VWBug’s birthday party? Well he stopped and talked to Bestie last night and she said he sounded disappointed that I didn’t stop and talk to him that night. Honestly, I can’t make this stuff up! If you don’t know by now, when I’m upset or have to sort something out, I make a list. Pro-Con lists take too much time, but numbering ones are just as effective. Sorry Rory Gilmore!!

#1 – He has no right to be mad at me for not wanting to talk to him. After all of the times I have tried and tried to get a hold of him via text, Facebook, and msn he didn’t have the decency to reply, and cannot be mad at me for not trying. I fucking tried. If he doesn’t want to reply, that’s his shit. I did what I had to do, so screw him.

#2 – What did he want me to say to him that night? He was there with two other girls and I was walking in with Giraffe. What was I supposed to do? Go up and give him a hug and pretend like nothing happened? I can’t sweep this under the rug. Somebody’s going to trip.

#3 – Of course I miss him. I’m crazy, but I have to admit that I want things to go back to how they were: when they were good, they were really good. He was there for me and he listened to me and supported me. He was my best friend; there’s no denying that and I miss how we were.

#4 – Do I need to apologize? Did he really do anything wrong? He told me those things, perhaps not to act like a parasite but maybe because he really trusted me. Maybe it was because he wanted me to know. Maybe it was his way of showing me he cared. Maybe he doesn’t know what happened or how it made me feel. Maybe he just doesn’t understand. Maybe I need to explain to him what happened.

#5 – So what happened, Grasshopper? He stopped replying to your messages so you abandoned your friendship with M&M? That’s not like you. Didn’t it hurt more once you cut him out of your life than when he was telling you every aspect of his life? Why did you abandon him, really? Kind of self-centered to think you were the only person he ever talked to, even if he did make it seem that way. Isn’t space and time good for a relationship? You didn’t give him much time either; only two weeks before deleting him out of your life. How is that fair? Look at how quickly time is passing now: maybe he was really busy and just so caught up with everything that he didn’t realize how long it had been. I’m not trying to make excuses for him, but it’s time to face all of the facts.

#6 – Why did it hurt? Honestly, you couldn’t even see his name without that pain. What was the pain from? He didn’t even try to get a hold of you. Yes, that’s painful but that’s no reason to cut him out of your life. People deserve second chances and God put him in your life for a reason: to grow, mature, and find out who the hell you are. When are you going to give it up?

I keep reading and re-reading this list, and I still have no clue what to do. I was hoping that at the end of this I’d have a clear vision of what I was supposed to do, but I still know nothing. Maybe I’ll message him. I don’t know what I’d even say...