Monday, November 30, 2009

Grasshopper Grows Up

NO! I haven’t forgotten about my wonderful alter ego, the Grasshopper!! I’ve just been so busy that I haven’t had time to jot any ideas down (even though they’ve been flowing non-stop!) and without a computer it’s kind of hard to keep a blog going unless I travel down here to my parents, a wonderful place to be. Sometimes.

Anyways, I am writing this with a purpose because I have to get a few things sorted out. Mainly, with my future. I’ve been filling a bit off lately. I’ve always felt that I was meant for more and know that I can and should do more with a life than what I’m currently doing. I feel insufficient, meaningless, and that I should be out there, in the world, making a difference. I don’t know where to start or how to start, but I think it is because I’m feeling slightly guilty.

When I first went to college, I hated it. I just went to the local university, and since I had no clue what to do with my life, I picked a bunch of random courses and hated every minute of them: philosophy, psychology, political science, and music. Music was my favourite (of course!!) but I sucked at all of the classes. I don’t think I ever fully understood the college lifestyle and how different it was from high school. One of my friends at my then-job, was taking a six month course through the university and after asking her about it, I did too. This was where I met Kim and some of my other friends. It was hard, not gonna lie, but the hardest part was having my dad call it “secretary school” the entire time to everyone we knew. Sure, I guess you could call it that but it’s more than that. I’m not just a secretary!! I work so hard at my job, but at the end of the day I still feel like something is missing.

I’ve tried a couple of things: bought my truck, moved out, and booked a holiday to Mexico. I think it also could have something to do with my increasingly limited church attendance because I know that my relationship with God has been under siege the past while. I also feel, though, that this fire I have for needing something to change has been coming from Him. Whoa. One bullet after another for this year, eh?

I’ve been pondering what I want to do with my life. What inspires me, what get me passionate, and what I like to do. I want a career and I want to make money doing something I love. I look around at some of the women that I work with and I don’t want to me them. They are so stressed out and tired and work so hard to get nowhere. Some of them have been there as long as I have been alive and I don’t want to be them. I love them dearly, but I don’t see myself in their shoes in twenty years. I want to be in love with my work. Then it hit me. Like a bullet out of the sky, I knew what I had to do. I don’t know how I’m going to do it, financially, emotionally, and physically even, but I know that I have to go back to school.

I remember being little and playing dress up with my sister. Bestie and I would always play school and I always insisted on being the teacher. My mom would always tell me that’s what I was going to be and now that I think about it, a lot of people told me I should be a teacher. It’s funny, how hard I resisted that wisdom. They knew. They knew me better than I did back then, and now I think they may have been right all along. I don’t know yet, if teaching is where I’ll end up but I love books. This is a recent passion of mine (I haven’t finished Pride and Prejudice yet. I’m still working on the Twilight Saga!!) but a passion, nonetheless. I want to write a book; always have. Perhaps I’ll be a book editor or write a book while keeping my current job. Maybe I’ll teach English somewhere! There are so many decisions to be made, but I feel like I’ve finally got it.

Financially, I don’t know how I’m going to do it quite yet. My job pays well, really well, but since I’ve just moved out and with my truck payment and all, things could get tense. Is this the time for me to go back to school? I know that I can’t go back full time. I wouldn’t dare give up my job now and that would mean moving back home and I don’t want to do that. If I try to get a degree part time, it’s going to take me forever.

Well thanks for listening. Time to make some decisions!