Sorting Out These Thoughts

So remember when I was telling ya’ll about my run-in with M&M the other night before VWBug’s birthday party? Well he stopped and talked to Bestie last night and she said he sounded disappointed that I didn’t stop and talk to him that night. Honestly, I can’t make this stuff up! If you don’t know by now, when I’m upset or have to sort something out, I make a list. Pro-Con lists take too much time, but numbering ones are just as effective. Sorry Rory Gilmore!!

#1 – He has no right to be mad at me for not wanting to talk to him. After all of the times I have tried and tried to get a hold of him via text, Facebook, and msn he didn’t have the decency to reply, and cannot be mad at me for not trying. I fucking tried. If he doesn’t want to reply, that’s his shit. I did what I had to do, so screw him.

#2 – What did he want me to say to him that night? He was there with two other girls and I was walking in with Giraffe. What was I supposed to do? Go up and give him a hug and pretend like nothing happened? I can’t sweep this under the rug. Somebody’s going to trip.

#3 – Of course I miss him. I’m crazy, but I have to admit that I want things to go back to how they were: when they were good, they were really good. He was there for me and he listened to me and supported me. He was my best friend; there’s no denying that and I miss how we were.

#4 – Do I need to apologize? Did he really do anything wrong? He told me those things, perhaps not to act like a parasite but maybe because he really trusted me. Maybe it was because he wanted me to know. Maybe it was his way of showing me he cared. Maybe he doesn’t know what happened or how it made me feel. Maybe he just doesn’t understand. Maybe I need to explain to him what happened.

#5 – So what happened, Grasshopper? He stopped replying to your messages so you abandoned your friendship with M&M? That’s not like you. Didn’t it hurt more once you cut him out of your life than when he was telling you every aspect of his life? Why did you abandon him, really? Kind of self-centered to think you were the only person he ever talked to, even if he did make it seem that way. Isn’t space and time good for a relationship? You didn’t give him much time either; only two weeks before deleting him out of your life. How is that fair? Look at how quickly time is passing now: maybe he was really busy and just so caught up with everything that he didn’t realize how long it had been. I’m not trying to make excuses for him, but it’s time to face all of the facts.

#6 – Why did it hurt? Honestly, you couldn’t even see his name without that pain. What was the pain from? He didn’t even try to get a hold of you. Yes, that’s painful but that’s no reason to cut him out of your life. People deserve second chances and God put him in your life for a reason: to grow, mature, and find out who the hell you are. When are you going to give it up?

I keep reading and re-reading this list, and I still have no clue what to do. I was hoping that at the end of this I’d have a clear vision of what I was supposed to do, but I still know nothing. Maybe I’ll message him. I don’t know what I’d even say...

A Good Friend And A Glass Of Wine

VWBug and I went for coffee last night and I feel so good about where I am in my life right now. I really feel like I have things all planned out and that I’ve finally figured out who I am, what I want in life, and how I’m going to get there. I’ve never felt so completely content and happy with the way things are going. It is such a beautiful feeling; almost out-of-body!

So I’m sure you’re all wondering what the plans for my life are, so I’m going to tell you! Well we really talked about how we envisioned our lives and since I’m going to be twenty-one in February, I think that is a really good time to start a RRSP or some type of retirement savings plan. I also really want to buy a condo here, but my contract at the City is up at the end of the year and out of all of the advice my Dad’s given me, I know he’s right about this one thing: wait until your contract has been renewed before buying a place. So I figure that should give me plenty of time. Giraffe, VWBug, and I are planning a Mexican getaway this winter (December 27th to be exact!!) so I have time between then and now to a) save up for my insurance for my truck because I don`t know how the accident is going to affect all of that buy I want to be prepared and b) save up for my trip. Once I get back, there’s just over a month before my birthday and my savings plan decisions which will probably last all of February (who are we kidding?) so that puts me back to March or maybe even April before seriously looking at a condo. !!!!!!!!!!!! OH! I’m so excited!

I was talking to VWBug last night about my perfect evening. I told her that I want to come home and park in my underground parking lot. I want to pour a glass half-full (because the glass is always half-FULL) of red wine and slip into my claw foot bathtub with my vanilla candles and read a good C.S. Lewis book. Doesn’t that sound fabulous? I can’t wait to be fabulous! Walk around the house my robe with my glass of red wine. Cook pasta and talk to my mom on the phone. Watch Desperate Housewives while Facebooking all my girlfriends. Ah, it sounds fabulous.

Life is so good. Sometimes all you need is a little red wine and a good girlfriend to remind you of all the love in the world and how many people love you for you. Ain’t life fabulous?

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

After my meltdown on Friday, I picked Giraffe up and we were ready for a night out on the town!! It was time for my “Drinking Buddy” and I to let loose! Time to let our hair down and party until the sun comes up! Okay, so we were actually headed to VWBug’s cousin’s apartment in this sketch neighbourhood, but rum was going to be involved so I was excited! Especially considering the week of hell I had just had, it was long overdue for some harmless drinking with the girls.

One of my biggest pet peeves in life is people who are late. Honestly, if you can’t come on time, why bother coming?! I would much rather be half an hour early and sit around, read some horrible magazines (if you are, as clearly I am in this example, in an office of sorts), and make small talk with the people around than to show up even two minutes late. I despise being late and I think it is always nice if one knows they are going to be late, to call the destination to advise them of such inappropriate behaviour. Well, on Friday I was running late. I am hardly ever late, because as I said, I HATE IT! Crying will do that to you, I guess.

Well Bestie had been begging me to drop by her work at the mall to drop off one of our USB cables for her iPod. I think she should have been born a blonde, but since the mall’s food court was on our way, it wasn’t an inconvenience. Giraffe and I were already running late and I wanted to just pop in and out without too much of a hassle. You know how when you’re in a rush, you tend to bump into someone you know? M&M. Ah yes. (You can hear all about our history here.) The man finally got a job which just so happens to be right beside Bestie’s work and he just so happened to be standing in the middle of the entrance way. I knew that he had a job there and a couple of weeks ago I re-friend requested him on Facebook. He accepted and I messaged him. To my surprise, M&M even replied so I sent him another message to which he did not respond. A few days later, I messaged him again. You would really think that I would start to take the hint, but obviously not.

So here we are: Giraffe and I all dolled up, running into the mall, awkwardly greeting M&M, dropping off Bestie’s USB cable, and running out back to my car. Well yes, that was one way to start our evening. I never thought I’d see him again, so when I did I was a little shocked. I smiled at him and said “Hi” quietly from far away. He said “hey, how’s it going” (such an M& M thing to do). I think I replied but I am kind of hoping I just nodded and ran off in the opposite direction. I can’t remember.

With that awkward “I was hoping I’d never see you again and now that we’re here I don’t know what to say because I still dislike you” moment out of the way, it was time for a party! My best friend, VWBug had finally turned the big 2-0! It doesn’t seem like it, but exiting the teens and becoming a twenty-something is quite a stressful event! I guess the three of us deal with stress in the same way: rum.

We met some new people (VWBug’s cousin KM, best friend AK, and two guys that they work with DC and CW) and I think we played Circle of Death at one point. Of course, VWBug had just broken up with her boyfriend the day before, so he called and showed up during the night but KM went out to deal with him. All in all, it was a great night! We didn’t do anything crazy, but it was a lot of fun to have some fun with them.

So raise your coffee mug; I’d like to make a toast: To a better week this week with less drama, less stress, and more love.

Everything At Once

When I got home Friday, I curled into a ball and wept like a baby on my bedroom floor. You know those scenes you see in movies where everything that could possibly go wrong has, and the character has no other option but cry? Oh yeah; THAT was my Friday. ‘Twas the day everything came to a head and I couldn’t handle it anymore and trust me, I can handle a lot of crap.

Friday morning, I e-mailed Athena about the comment Mrs. O had made about the Joker’s face lighting up when he sees me. She tells me that it’s a race I can’t win on endurance and he wants someone like KH and when he can’t have her, I’m the ego boost for this parasite. She told me to get my head out of my ass and face reality. When I told her that I knew all of that, she told me not to lie to her and stop crushing on him.

The Joker and I are friends. I know this. We will never be more than friends. I know this. He does not want me. I KNOW THIS!! Thanks for making me feel about two inches tall. I shouldn’t have to defend my friendship with the Joker to anyone. After the accident, he calmed me down like no one else can. He understands me and knows when I need space or when I need a fricken hug! We are friends. I want to be his friend. That’s what I am. I am not lying. Why do people have to assume more?!

I called the body shop on Friday to find out when I could go about getting a rental car since I knew Jack was going to be in the shop for a while. The secretary told me that she had just talked to my Dad who told them I didn’t need one. Excuse me? Who is my Dad to tell them whether or not I need a rental car? What part of “let me do this on my own and please stay out of it” is confusing to you? My dad told me after work on Friday that there is $4,900 worth of damage to my truck. OMG. I caused $4,900 worth of damage to my Jack.

This whole homework thing, I’m still not used to. I had a homework assignment due Friday at midnight like every other week and I submitted it on Thursday. Since it’s an online course, they let you do the assignment as many times as you want to before the due date. On Thursday, my mark was like 85% or something and I was going to do it again after work on Friday, but I ran out of time. I tend to get very disappointed in myself easily, especially when I know that I could’ve done so much better on that assignment.

I guess Friday was one of those days where everything seemed to come at me all at once: Athena smacking some sense into me; having to defend and seriously evaluate my relationship with the Joker; my Dad butting into my life when I just want him to let me deal with this on my own; and my disappointment in my time management with my homework. So VWBug, Giraffe, and I went out drinking. That’s another story!

I don't want to talk about the Joker

I don’t really feel like talking today. Weird, I know. If I start rambling, it will be about the Joker and I am so sick and tired of talking about him. I have so many other things I could blog about!

The church service reminded me of him. Honest to goodness! It was a message that he and I have argued about many, many times, and I took a full page of notes. I even thought about texting him last night to see if he would be interested in going with me this morning (it’s an MB church with a Saturday night service and two on Sunday morning. I’m a rebel: church on Saturday night baby!!). I don’t know if it was God who put this thought in my brain, but I didn’t text him. Strange feeling to have, but I just am unsure if our relationship is at that level. Can I just text him and ask if he wants to go to church with me the next day? I just don’t think he’s ready for that, especially after our trust convo. See? Look at me! I said I was going to ramble about the joker, and I am.

Okay, new topic. Last Saturday, VWBug and I had semi-plans for a coffee date. I, unfortunately, had to bail and we re-scheduled for this Saturday night. Now she hates me, because I bailed again. Why this time? Family night. *Sigh* Please don’t lose your lunch, but it’s the only time the four of us can sit around at home and visit. Sorry VWBug, you don’t understand how important these nights are for us. They are a rarity, and hate me if you want. I didn’t know when we planned the night that it fell on a family night! Honestly, I have apologized five times, and she keeps replying via text “Okay...” Oh no you don’t! Don’t you dare use ellipsis with me honey! I can read that tone in your voice clear as daylight!!

The truth is, we hide so we can be found, we walk away to see who will follow, we cry to see who will wipe away our tears, and we let our hearts get broken to see who will come and fix them.

Ich Liebe Dich, meine Schwester

My younger sister and I are nothing alike and I mean that sincerely. We are complete opposites, and although people used to think we were twins when we were younger we’re two years apart. We look nothing alike now and act completely different. She loves R&B and has a subwoofer in the trunk of her bright red Honda Civic with 22” rims. I drive a pick-up named Jack and would much prefer to blare George Jones than T-Pain.

Bestie and I are the best of friends. She has always been there for me and when she cries, I cry. I cannot see her upset and it kills me inside when she is. I would do anything for her and I know that she will never leave me. I could not imagine my life without her. We grew up like typical girls, playing Barbies and house. We didn’t have many friends growing up but it never mattered because I got to spend every day with my favourite person in the world. Inseparable? Yes, you could say that! She knows me better than I know myself and although that is slightly scary, a love like ours cannot be defined.

I went on a mini road trip with VWBug a couple of weeks ago and it was not nearly as much fun as it would have been if Bestie was with me instead. Her and I get along so well, I feel incomplete without her. I cannot imagine my life without her.

I love you. Please don’t cry. Let me hold you until your heart heals. The pain will go away, I promise. We’ll lay here and cry together. I wish I could make it better but all I can give you is my love. You’re my everything Bree.

Desperate Relation-shit

Desperate, adj.
1) Reckless or dangerous because of despair or urgency;
2) Having an urgent need, desire, etc.
3) Leaving little or no hope; very serious or dangerous
4) Extremely bad; intolerable or shocking
5) Extreme or excessive
6) Making a final, ultimate effort
7) Actuated by a feeling of hopelessness
8) Having no hope; giving in to despair

I would advise anyone who plans on using this word to do so with extreme caution. If used improperly, unpredictable actions and attitudes may occur.

One of my friends, VWBug, I have known since I was seven. We were friends back then and throughout high school but recently we’ve been getting much closer. I’ve been hanging out with her more and more and we’re even planning a trip to Mexico! Mainly, we talk about boys. Why, you ask? Why not?!! They do consume most of our time whether we’re talking to them, dreaming about them, or analyzing their every move; there’s no denying it.

VWBug knows what is going on between T-Rex and I and the other night him and I were chatting on msn. I was trying to get answers to some of my questions, and I thought it best to bring up the past and how things had changed. I sent my conversation to her on Facebook so she could see what was going on. His answers kind of shocked me since he forgot all we had promised me before. (He had told he was thinking about me 24/7, going to take me on a date, cook me dinner, and he wanted to hear my Dad’s trucker stories. I kind of thought he liked me since every two seconds there would be a new text message from him! I have all of our text messages still on my phone (over two months worth) but it is a Blackberry and it keeps them forever. I have no reason to delete them; they are my proof that I am not crazy.) So I sent her our conversation and I was kind of expecting a comforting word or two, like a “you can do better than him”, “he’ll come around”, “he doesn’t know what he’s missing out on”, or something along those lines. She didn’t really say that and I had to get to sleep.

The next day she said that she something she needed to tell me but didn’t want me to “take it the wrong way”. Now I’m confused. Just wait! It gets better. She proceeds to tell me that my conversation came across as desperate to her. I didn’t really think much of it as it was time to get back to work. Maybe she was right, and I tried to see how it may have come across that way but she didn’t have the whole story.

Yesterday, I found out she had wrote a blog about my situation, in which she proceeds to tell the WORLD that she had asked five (count ‘em, FIVE) guys about my dilemma. Their response, to no surprise, was that I was a) lonely, b) horny, or c) unsatisfied. I’m sorry, but did I ask her to get advice on my behalf?!! VWBug knows me well enough to know that none of those are true! She is calling me desperate? This from the girl who has a new boy every two weeks! Excuse me? Obviously offended and hurt, I text messaged her about it and asked if she was saying I acted desperate because I was unsatisfied. She agreed and I thanked her for the insight. I was polite and pleasant and have yet to confront her on the issue; I was working and did not want to bring my personal life to the workplace. (That’s another blog!) I feel so betrayed by her and I did not want a “Dr. Phil” answer on my problem. I told her that in confidence and she had no right to go and ask her guy friends about it! I trusted her with that information and I cannot believe she would do something like this. Sure, maybe she didn’t see anything wrong with it. I know! Next time she has some relation-shit drama, I’ll go and ask T-Rex what he thinks! Yeah bitch, what do you think about that!

Me? Desperate? You have got to be kidding me. If I was desperate, I would out at the bars and clubs on a Saturday night like this, instead of at home blogging about my life. I do not need a man to be happy and she should know that. I haven’t had a boyfriend yet, and life is just fine without one. Proceed with caution: desperate is a hurtful word.

Sommersaults and Jumping Jacks

Alright, so it’s time for a light bulb moment! I can tell that you are just jumping out of your skin for this one! My best friend (or friend that has been there for me when I’ve really needed someone) this week has been the Joker! Wow, who saw this one coming? I haven’t posted anything on the Joker yet because he has been somewhat out of the picture lately, but I think after this crazy week, he deserves a gold star.

My cousin, Ryan*, is getting married in a couple of weeks and has been, well harassing, for lack of a better word, our family to convince us a) he’s a changed man and no longer a lying, stealing, crackhead, and b) since he is all changed and “clean” we should come to the wedding so we can buy him wedding presents and give him money (okay, so maybe he didn’t mention the presents/money part, but we know better). My uncle asked him the other week why he is getting married. Ryan answered that he is “in love”. What he failed to mention is that his girlfriend is six months pregnant. I don’t believe a word Ryan says, since he has lied to my parents many times and is eight years older than me so he wasn’t around much. Jail will do that to you, I guess. Now that he’s allegedly clean, he’s coming down to visit. Yippee. I’m happy on the inside. Not. He has been calling and we’ve been avoiding. Just because he’s left messages does not mean we’ve got them. It is very possible our answering machine has been broken for a couple weeks now. Maybe it’s mad at Ryan too! Caller ID is the best invention ever, and even if you block your number, we’re still not going to answer or call you back. Get a clue! We don’t want to talk to you!

Since Ryan failed to interpret these tell-tale signs, he was determined to meet with us for coffee. We had heard through the grapevine (thanks Opa!) that he was coming down on Tuesday and wanted to come over to our house for coffee. Ryan hadn’t even told us he was coming, or who was coming for that matter. Okay, so we never returned his calls. Big whoop! He could have said something about that in the message instead of just asking us to call him. Tuesday was truly a day from hell as I dreaded going home. I’m imagining the worst possible scenario (besides him showing up at my work): they’re parked on the driveway when I get home at five but mom and sis won’t be home until six-thirty. Luckily, that didn’t happen and we met them for coffee at Tim Hortons. (My uncle’s ex-girlfriend (LONG story) had suggested we meet them at her place instead but my mom persisted: “I don’t do warm and fuzzy with these people.”)

I don’t believe a word Ryan told us about being clean. His eyes were still bloodshot and he was wearing sunglasses when we got there. It was getting dark and the glasses were unnecessary. It was a “pleasant” visit, and short enough that we didn’t have to fake our niceness too much. The only thing Ryan wanted to know was if we were going to their wedding, but we continued to put off the question. I hated it. Every minute, having to sit there and pretend that I believed what he was saying. Honestly! I haven’t talked to him in about four months, and I haven’t seen him in eight years! But no, now that he is all clean, sober, changed, and in-love, he’s supposed to be a different man? I don’t buy it! I’m not that naive and after everything he’s put my family through, put this in your juice box and suck it!

Obviously dreading this night, I wanted to talk to someone about it but it seemed as though all of my friends had other plans. I don’t tell many people about my screwed up family because it’s none of their business. I had planned on talking to T-Rex about it and did somewhat, but he seemed pre-occupied when I tried bringing up the subject. Wise One has four kids and a husband home from Afghanistan, so I didn’t want to be bothering her with all of my family crazy. My other friend, VWBug, has no clue what my family is all about and it’s a long story. I didn’t want to catch her up on it all, and although I could have I don’t feel comfortable enough to tell her everything. That part is odd considering I’ve known her since I was eight, but I guess I didn’t trust her enough to tell her what was happening.

How does the Joker tie in to all of this? I work with him, and a while back I had a crush on him. Turns out, he didn’t feel the same, so we’re friends. From the outside (and inside too actually), you could say we have an odd relationship. We park beside each other every day in the parking lot furthest away from our building. (I have yet to figure out why we park here but we do. It’s weird.) Since the Joker and I work on the same floor and have the same hours, we walk out together every night. In a four minute walk, you can find out a lot about someone! At the beginning, I did most of the talking and he kept everything in. We are eight years apart and he’s a private person; it just so happens that I’m not. I had no problem opening up to him, but after a while I had to stop. I was telling him all sorts of information but not finding anything out about him which made me wonder why he wasn’t opening up yet. It’s taken some time, but I think we’re finally getting there.

On Monday, I mentioned to him about the coffee date from hell and he advised me to skip it. I told him that I couldn’t do that; family was involved. I gave off bits and pieces of information (I am getting very good at keeping the important information to myself: add mystery!) After work on Tuesday, he asked if I was ready (for the family). I told him that “my stomach is doing jumping jacks and somersaults!” He took that as a “no”. Luckily, he changed the subject but he asked me on Wednesday how it went. I told him we were fed a bunch of bullshit and that I couldn’t even look in Ryan’s eyes because they were full of lies.

Later that night, I text messaged T-Rex and told him how it had gone. He was “out and about” and said we could talk on msn the next day. I agreed but felt humiliated. Here he was, out with his friends, and I’m spilling my heart out and he can’t even talk. I know that he wouldn’t have had anything important to say back, but I wanted him to listen to me. He didn’t get how important this was to me and how badly I wanted him to say something nice to comfort me. This was a big event in my life that had brought a lot of drama lately and I wanted to share it with him.

Today I had my light bulb moment! After everything that had gone on, it was the Joker who truly listened. Okay, so I didn’t tell him everything about the family, but I did tell him enough. He didn’t have great advice or words of wisdom for me, and no, “skip it” is not great advice. None of that matters though. He was there for me. He remembered on Tuesday that they were coming that night, and then he asked me on Wednesday how it had gone. He listened to me. He, dare I say it, cared! His personality has done a complete 180 lately, but I am so glad and I can honestly say that he is my friend now. It’s about time!