Sorting Out These Thoughts

So remember when I was telling ya’ll about my run-in with M&M the other night before VWBug’s birthday party? Well he stopped and talked to Bestie last night and she said he sounded disappointed that I didn’t stop and talk to him that night. Honestly, I can’t make this stuff up! If you don’t know by now, when I’m upset or have to sort something out, I make a list. Pro-Con lists take too much time, but numbering ones are just as effective. Sorry Rory Gilmore!!

#1 – He has no right to be mad at me for not wanting to talk to him. After all of the times I have tried and tried to get a hold of him via text, Facebook, and msn he didn’t have the decency to reply, and cannot be mad at me for not trying. I fucking tried. If he doesn’t want to reply, that’s his shit. I did what I had to do, so screw him.

#2 – What did he want me to say to him that night? He was there with two other girls and I was walking in with Giraffe. What was I supposed to do? Go up and give him a hug and pretend like nothing happened? I can’t sweep this under the rug. Somebody’s going to trip.

#3 – Of course I miss him. I’m crazy, but I have to admit that I want things to go back to how they were: when they were good, they were really good. He was there for me and he listened to me and supported me. He was my best friend; there’s no denying that and I miss how we were.

#4 – Do I need to apologize? Did he really do anything wrong? He told me those things, perhaps not to act like a parasite but maybe because he really trusted me. Maybe it was because he wanted me to know. Maybe it was his way of showing me he cared. Maybe he doesn’t know what happened or how it made me feel. Maybe he just doesn’t understand. Maybe I need to explain to him what happened.

#5 – So what happened, Grasshopper? He stopped replying to your messages so you abandoned your friendship with M&M? That’s not like you. Didn’t it hurt more once you cut him out of your life than when he was telling you every aspect of his life? Why did you abandon him, really? Kind of self-centered to think you were the only person he ever talked to, even if he did make it seem that way. Isn’t space and time good for a relationship? You didn’t give him much time either; only two weeks before deleting him out of your life. How is that fair? Look at how quickly time is passing now: maybe he was really busy and just so caught up with everything that he didn’t realize how long it had been. I’m not trying to make excuses for him, but it’s time to face all of the facts.

#6 – Why did it hurt? Honestly, you couldn’t even see his name without that pain. What was the pain from? He didn’t even try to get a hold of you. Yes, that’s painful but that’s no reason to cut him out of your life. People deserve second chances and God put him in your life for a reason: to grow, mature, and find out who the hell you are. When are you going to give it up?

I keep reading and re-reading this list, and I still have no clue what to do. I was hoping that at the end of this I’d have a clear vision of what I was supposed to do, but I still know nothing. Maybe I’ll message him. I don’t know what I’d even say...

A Good Friend And A Glass Of Wine

VWBug and I went for coffee last night and I feel so good about where I am in my life right now. I really feel like I have things all planned out and that I’ve finally figured out who I am, what I want in life, and how I’m going to get there. I’ve never felt so completely content and happy with the way things are going. It is such a beautiful feeling; almost out-of-body!

So I’m sure you’re all wondering what the plans for my life are, so I’m going to tell you! Well we really talked about how we envisioned our lives and since I’m going to be twenty-one in February, I think that is a really good time to start a RRSP or some type of retirement savings plan. I also really want to buy a condo here, but my contract at the City is up at the end of the year and out of all of the advice my Dad’s given me, I know he’s right about this one thing: wait until your contract has been renewed before buying a place. So I figure that should give me plenty of time. Giraffe, VWBug, and I are planning a Mexican getaway this winter (December 27th to be exact!!) so I have time between then and now to a) save up for my insurance for my truck because I don`t know how the accident is going to affect all of that buy I want to be prepared and b) save up for my trip. Once I get back, there’s just over a month before my birthday and my savings plan decisions which will probably last all of February (who are we kidding?) so that puts me back to March or maybe even April before seriously looking at a condo. !!!!!!!!!!!! OH! I’m so excited!

I was talking to VWBug last night about my perfect evening. I told her that I want to come home and park in my underground parking lot. I want to pour a glass half-full (because the glass is always half-FULL) of red wine and slip into my claw foot bathtub with my vanilla candles and read a good C.S. Lewis book. Doesn’t that sound fabulous? I can’t wait to be fabulous! Walk around the house my robe with my glass of red wine. Cook pasta and talk to my mom on the phone. Watch Desperate Housewives while Facebooking all my girlfriends. Ah, it sounds fabulous.

Life is so good. Sometimes all you need is a little red wine and a good girlfriend to remind you of all the love in the world and how many people love you for you. Ain’t life fabulous?

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

After my meltdown on Friday, I picked Giraffe up and we were ready for a night out on the town!! It was time for my “Drinking Buddy” and I to let loose! Time to let our hair down and party until the sun comes up! Okay, so we were actually headed to VWBug’s cousin’s apartment in this sketch neighbourhood, but rum was going to be involved so I was excited! Especially considering the week of hell I had just had, it was long overdue for some harmless drinking with the girls.

One of my biggest pet peeves in life is people who are late. Honestly, if you can’t come on time, why bother coming?! I would much rather be half an hour early and sit around, read some horrible magazines (if you are, as clearly I am in this example, in an office of sorts), and make small talk with the people around than to show up even two minutes late. I despise being late and I think it is always nice if one knows they are going to be late, to call the destination to advise them of such inappropriate behaviour. Well, on Friday I was running late. I am hardly ever late, because as I said, I HATE IT! Crying will do that to you, I guess.

Well Bestie had been begging me to drop by her work at the mall to drop off one of our USB cables for her iPod. I think she should have been born a blonde, but since the mall’s food court was on our way, it wasn’t an inconvenience. Giraffe and I were already running late and I wanted to just pop in and out without too much of a hassle. You know how when you’re in a rush, you tend to bump into someone you know? M&M. Ah yes. (You can hear all about our history here.) The man finally got a job which just so happens to be right beside Bestie’s work and he just so happened to be standing in the middle of the entrance way. I knew that he had a job there and a couple of weeks ago I re-friend requested him on Facebook. He accepted and I messaged him. To my surprise, M&M even replied so I sent him another message to which he did not respond. A few days later, I messaged him again. You would really think that I would start to take the hint, but obviously not.

So here we are: Giraffe and I all dolled up, running into the mall, awkwardly greeting M&M, dropping off Bestie’s USB cable, and running out back to my car. Well yes, that was one way to start our evening. I never thought I’d see him again, so when I did I was a little shocked. I smiled at him and said “Hi” quietly from far away. He said “hey, how’s it going” (such an M& M thing to do). I think I replied but I am kind of hoping I just nodded and ran off in the opposite direction. I can’t remember.

With that awkward “I was hoping I’d never see you again and now that we’re here I don’t know what to say because I still dislike you” moment out of the way, it was time for a party! My best friend, VWBug had finally turned the big 2-0! It doesn’t seem like it, but exiting the teens and becoming a twenty-something is quite a stressful event! I guess the three of us deal with stress in the same way: rum.

We met some new people (VWBug’s cousin KM, best friend AK, and two guys that they work with DC and CW) and I think we played Circle of Death at one point. Of course, VWBug had just broken up with her boyfriend the day before, so he called and showed up during the night but KM went out to deal with him. All in all, it was a great night! We didn’t do anything crazy, but it was a lot of fun to have some fun with them.

So raise your coffee mug; I’d like to make a toast: To a better week this week with less drama, less stress, and more love.

Everything At Once

When I got home Friday, I curled into a ball and wept like a baby on my bedroom floor. You know those scenes you see in movies where everything that could possibly go wrong has, and the character has no other option but cry? Oh yeah; THAT was my Friday. ‘Twas the day everything came to a head and I couldn’t handle it anymore and trust me, I can handle a lot of crap.

Friday morning, I e-mailed Athena about the comment Mrs. O had made about the Joker’s face lighting up when he sees me. She tells me that it’s a race I can’t win on endurance and he wants someone like KH and when he can’t have her, I’m the ego boost for this parasite. She told me to get my head out of my ass and face reality. When I told her that I knew all of that, she told me not to lie to her and stop crushing on him.

The Joker and I are friends. I know this. We will never be more than friends. I know this. He does not want me. I KNOW THIS!! Thanks for making me feel about two inches tall. I shouldn’t have to defend my friendship with the Joker to anyone. After the accident, he calmed me down like no one else can. He understands me and knows when I need space or when I need a fricken hug! We are friends. I want to be his friend. That’s what I am. I am not lying. Why do people have to assume more?!

I called the body shop on Friday to find out when I could go about getting a rental car since I knew Jack was going to be in the shop for a while. The secretary told me that she had just talked to my Dad who told them I didn’t need one. Excuse me? Who is my Dad to tell them whether or not I need a rental car? What part of “let me do this on my own and please stay out of it” is confusing to you? My dad told me after work on Friday that there is $4,900 worth of damage to my truck. OMG. I caused $4,900 worth of damage to my Jack.

This whole homework thing, I’m still not used to. I had a homework assignment due Friday at midnight like every other week and I submitted it on Thursday. Since it’s an online course, they let you do the assignment as many times as you want to before the due date. On Thursday, my mark was like 85% or something and I was going to do it again after work on Friday, but I ran out of time. I tend to get very disappointed in myself easily, especially when I know that I could’ve done so much better on that assignment.

I guess Friday was one of those days where everything seemed to come at me all at once: Athena smacking some sense into me; having to defend and seriously evaluate my relationship with the Joker; my Dad butting into my life when I just want him to let me deal with this on my own; and my disappointment in my time management with my homework. So VWBug, Giraffe, and I went out drinking. That’s another story!