Things You Would Love To Say At Work... But Can't

I don't know if ya'll have seen this one or not, but my manager sent it to me a while back. It's too good to keep to myself. Enjoy!

I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
Ahhhh. I see the f ***-up fairy has visited us again.
I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a sh*t.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
Any resemblance between your reality and mine are purely coincidental.
What am I, Flypaper for freaks?!
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
And your cry-baby whiny-arsed opinion would be?
Do I look like a f****** people person to you?
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.
Oh I get it. Like humour, but different.........
An office is just a mental institute without the padded walls.
Can I swap this job for what's behind door .........1?
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Nice perfume (or aftershave). Must you marinate in it?
Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
I thought I wanted a career; it turns out I just needed the money.
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being more intelligent.
Wait a minute - I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
Aren't you a black hole of need?
I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?
Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?
Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.
If you have something to say raise your hand......... then place it over your mouth.
I'm too busy, can I ignore you some other time?
Don't let your mind wander, its too small to be let out on its own.
Have a nice day, somewhere else.
You're not yourself today; I noticed the improvement straight away.
You are as pretty as a picture; I'd really like to hang you.
Don't believe everything you think.
Do you hear that? That's the sound of no-one caring.

Okay, that's all the fun I can handle now. Time for some homework. Hopefully some new stuff later!

A Good Friend And A Glass Of Wine

VWBug and I went for coffee last night and I feel so good about where I am in my life right now. I really feel like I have things all planned out and that I’ve finally figured out who I am, what I want in life, and how I’m going to get there. I’ve never felt so completely content and happy with the way things are going. It is such a beautiful feeling; almost out-of-body!

So I’m sure you’re all wondering what the plans for my life are, so I’m going to tell you! Well we really talked about how we envisioned our lives and since I’m going to be twenty-one in February, I think that is a really good time to start a RRSP or some type of retirement savings plan. I also really want to buy a condo here, but my contract at the City is up at the end of the year and out of all of the advice my Dad’s given me, I know he’s right about this one thing: wait until your contract has been renewed before buying a place. So I figure that should give me plenty of time. Giraffe, VWBug, and I are planning a Mexican getaway this winter (December 27th to be exact!!) so I have time between then and now to a) save up for my insurance for my truck because I don`t know how the accident is going to affect all of that buy I want to be prepared and b) save up for my trip. Once I get back, there’s just over a month before my birthday and my savings plan decisions which will probably last all of February (who are we kidding?) so that puts me back to March or maybe even April before seriously looking at a condo. !!!!!!!!!!!! OH! I’m so excited!

I was talking to VWBug last night about my perfect evening. I told her that I want to come home and park in my underground parking lot. I want to pour a glass half-full (because the glass is always half-FULL) of red wine and slip into my claw foot bathtub with my vanilla candles and read a good C.S. Lewis book. Doesn’t that sound fabulous? I can’t wait to be fabulous! Walk around the house my robe with my glass of red wine. Cook pasta and talk to my mom on the phone. Watch Desperate Housewives while Facebooking all my girlfriends. Ah, it sounds fabulous.

Life is so good. Sometimes all you need is a little red wine and a good girlfriend to remind you of all the love in the world and how many people love you for you. Ain’t life fabulous?

Song Of The Day

Well for the first time ever today, I was sent home from work because I’m sick. I like to think I have my dad’s stamina when it comes to colds: keep going until you vomit. My dad is my hero when it comes to sicknesses. He never, ever calls in sick! That being said, I don’t really have a lot else to say today, well just not yet anyways! I wanted to share the song that has been stuck in my head all day instead. While I’ve been sick, I’ve had a lot of time on my hands which has given me the rare opportunity to catch up on my movie watching. Best movie ever? P.S. I Love You. Gerard Butler. Enough said!! My favourite song from that (or one of them anyways) is NeedToBreathe – More Time.


I promised you the world again
Everything within my hands
All the riches one could dream
They will come from me

I hoped that you could understand
That this is not what I had planned
Please don’t worry now
It will turn around

Cause I need more time
Just a few more months and we’ll be fine
So say what’s on your mind
Cause I can’t figure out just what’s inside

I hoped that you could understand
That this is not what I had planned
Please don’t worry now
It will turn around

Cause I need more time
Just a few more months and we’ll be fine
So say what’s on your mind
Cause I can’t figure out just what’s inside
So say alright
Cause I know we can make it if we try
Cause I need more time
Just a few more months and we’ll be fine

We’re off to new lands
So hold on to my hands
It’s gonna be alright
It’s a whole lot brighter
So stand by the fire
It’s gonna be alright
Yeah, the road gets harder
But it’s not much farther
It’s gonna be alright
You know that it ain’t easy
Please believe me
It’s gonna be alright

Please don’t worry now
It will turn around

Cause I need more time
Just a few more months and we’ll be fine
So say what’s on your mind
Cause I can’t figure out just what’s inside
So say alright
Cause I know we can make it if we try
Cause I need more time
Just a few more months and we’ll be fine

(Lyrics courtesy of http://www.needtobreathe.net)

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

After my meltdown on Friday, I picked Giraffe up and we were ready for a night out on the town!! It was time for my “Drinking Buddy” and I to let loose! Time to let our hair down and party until the sun comes up! Okay, so we were actually headed to VWBug’s cousin’s apartment in this sketch neighbourhood, but rum was going to be involved so I was excited! Especially considering the week of hell I had just had, it was long overdue for some harmless drinking with the girls.

One of my biggest pet peeves in life is people who are late. Honestly, if you can’t come on time, why bother coming?! I would much rather be half an hour early and sit around, read some horrible magazines (if you are, as clearly I am in this example, in an office of sorts), and make small talk with the people around than to show up even two minutes late. I despise being late and I think it is always nice if one knows they are going to be late, to call the destination to advise them of such inappropriate behaviour. Well, on Friday I was running late. I am hardly ever late, because as I said, I HATE IT! Crying will do that to you, I guess.

Well Bestie had been begging me to drop by her work at the mall to drop off one of our USB cables for her iPod. I think she should have been born a blonde, but since the mall’s food court was on our way, it wasn’t an inconvenience. Giraffe and I were already running late and I wanted to just pop in and out without too much of a hassle. You know how when you’re in a rush, you tend to bump into someone you know? M&M. Ah yes. (You can hear all about our history here.) The man finally got a job which just so happens to be right beside Bestie’s work and he just so happened to be standing in the middle of the entrance way. I knew that he had a job there and a couple of weeks ago I re-friend requested him on Facebook. He accepted and I messaged him. To my surprise, M&M even replied so I sent him another message to which he did not respond. A few days later, I messaged him again. You would really think that I would start to take the hint, but obviously not.

So here we are: Giraffe and I all dolled up, running into the mall, awkwardly greeting M&M, dropping off Bestie’s USB cable, and running out back to my car. Well yes, that was one way to start our evening. I never thought I’d see him again, so when I did I was a little shocked. I smiled at him and said “Hi” quietly from far away. He said “hey, how’s it going” (such an M& M thing to do). I think I replied but I am kind of hoping I just nodded and ran off in the opposite direction. I can’t remember.

With that awkward “I was hoping I’d never see you again and now that we’re here I don’t know what to say because I still dislike you” moment out of the way, it was time for a party! My best friend, VWBug had finally turned the big 2-0! It doesn’t seem like it, but exiting the teens and becoming a twenty-something is quite a stressful event! I guess the three of us deal with stress in the same way: rum.

We met some new people (VWBug’s cousin KM, best friend AK, and two guys that they work with DC and CW) and I think we played Circle of Death at one point. Of course, VWBug had just broken up with her boyfriend the day before, so he called and showed up during the night but KM went out to deal with him. All in all, it was a great night! We didn’t do anything crazy, but it was a lot of fun to have some fun with them.

So raise your coffee mug; I’d like to make a toast: To a better week this week with less drama, less stress, and more love.

Everything At Once

When I got home Friday, I curled into a ball and wept like a baby on my bedroom floor. You know those scenes you see in movies where everything that could possibly go wrong has, and the character has no other option but cry? Oh yeah; THAT was my Friday. ‘Twas the day everything came to a head and I couldn’t handle it anymore and trust me, I can handle a lot of crap.

Friday morning, I e-mailed Athena about the comment Mrs. O had made about the Joker’s face lighting up when he sees me. She tells me that it’s a race I can’t win on endurance and he wants someone like KH and when he can’t have her, I’m the ego boost for this parasite. She told me to get my head out of my ass and face reality. When I told her that I knew all of that, she told me not to lie to her and stop crushing on him.

The Joker and I are friends. I know this. We will never be more than friends. I know this. He does not want me. I KNOW THIS!! Thanks for making me feel about two inches tall. I shouldn’t have to defend my friendship with the Joker to anyone. After the accident, he calmed me down like no one else can. He understands me and knows when I need space or when I need a fricken hug! We are friends. I want to be his friend. That’s what I am. I am not lying. Why do people have to assume more?!

I called the body shop on Friday to find out when I could go about getting a rental car since I knew Jack was going to be in the shop for a while. The secretary told me that she had just talked to my Dad who told them I didn’t need one. Excuse me? Who is my Dad to tell them whether or not I need a rental car? What part of “let me do this on my own and please stay out of it” is confusing to you? My dad told me after work on Friday that there is $4,900 worth of damage to my truck. OMG. I caused $4,900 worth of damage to my Jack.

This whole homework thing, I’m still not used to. I had a homework assignment due Friday at midnight like every other week and I submitted it on Thursday. Since it’s an online course, they let you do the assignment as many times as you want to before the due date. On Thursday, my mark was like 85% or something and I was going to do it again after work on Friday, but I ran out of time. I tend to get very disappointed in myself easily, especially when I know that I could’ve done so much better on that assignment.

I guess Friday was one of those days where everything seemed to come at me all at once: Athena smacking some sense into me; having to defend and seriously evaluate my relationship with the Joker; my Dad butting into my life when I just want him to let me deal with this on my own; and my disappointment in my time management with my homework. So VWBug, Giraffe, and I went out drinking. That’s another story!