Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Just give me a minute to scream. kthanksbye

I don’t really know where to start. I guess it began a while ago when I felt God calling me (well, I thought he was calling me anyways) to go back to school. The only problem was that although he kept putting this on my heart to go back, go back, I just was at a loss when it came to deciding what I wanted to do when I got back there. I don’t really have the means to run amuck and take classes on a whim or for the fun of it. I guess part of the problem is that I still have so many options and opportunities out there that I don’t want to decide – if you can even call anything I do a clear decision – to take, say, major in business and then after six years of going to school part time after work decide that I hate my life and have just wasted it away doing something I despise. I suppose it’s because I want to be sure. Really, truly sure about anything before I put my foot down and announce my life’s plans. Honestly, at 21 can anyone have a life plan?

My friend is about to finish up a four year art program and was planning on attending law school. Not anymore, sunshine. Now she gets to spend another four years becoming a speech language pathologist or something like that. I don’t want to be like that. I want to do something I’m really passionate about and make money off of that but in all honesty I don’t know what that is yet.
So now, I’ve told everyone that I work with that I’m planning on going back to school (I’ve even moved back home!) but my plan ends with my plan, you know? Is it possible to have a mid life crisis at 21? Don’t get me wrong. There are a lot of things that I want to do with my life and thankfully, I have an extremely accommodating job to help me get there. I just don’t want to be there forever, I think.

I don’t know what to do. It would be so much easier if someone were to just tell me what to do. “Here, go cure cancer.” I’d go do it. “Oh, well you should run your own B&B like Lorelai Gilmore.” Heck yes. “Write a book.” “Become a social worker.” “Fight political unrest in Burma.” Done. Like. Dinner. But no. Instead, I have to lie awake at night wondering.

One day I’ll know.

3 comments:

Nik said...

Don't be so hard on yourself. Maybe just start with today. What is one thing that you can do today that will make you happy? Getting a latte? Looking at a cool sunset. Reading a sweet book. You don't have to do it all . . . or know exactly what you'll be doing in 10 years. Just let it happen chica!! In the meantime, this is a good book to read: "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle. I think you might find it helpful.

:-) Nik

PS: I'm glad you're back!!!!

The Grasshopper said...

Thanks for the advice Nik :) I'm working on it, that's for sure. I know that I have to focus on me too. I'm hoping that once I put myself first, everything else will fall into place!
(I'm glad to be back! Working on a new blog too! I'll e-mail you once it's all up and running!)

The Grasshopper said...
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