Sweet Magnet

I don’t know what to think about this and honestly, I haven’t had much time to myself to think about what happened today. Between work and school and the accident, my head has been a million different places today.

The Joker came by my counter this morning as usual and we talked about my insurance claim and Jack and yadda yadda yadda. He headed to his office and I went back to work. So I’m sitting there, working away and one of the other ladies I work with comes over to my counter. Mrs. O is one of the sweetest ladies I know! I’ve only been at my current job posting for eleven months (12 on the 24th of this month!!) and she’s been so kind to me since I started. She works in a cubicle in the back and doesn’t come out all too often. When she does, she always has a minute to chat. This morning, she bee-lines it for my counter:

Mrs. O – [The Joker] must be sweet on you. He’s always at the counter here. It’s like a magnet for him (laughing)
Me – Oh. You think so?
Mrs. O – Sure! His face lights up when he sees you
Me – Oh, no, I don’t think so...
Mrs. O – Oh I can see it

I don’t know what to think, but let’s just throw the fact that now more people are starting to think that there is something going on. There isn’t! I do trust Mrs. O though when she says his face lights up. I have no other way of knowing, which is awkward. So I’m not really sure what exactly is going on but if he is “sweet on [me]”, he’ll know what to do. We’ve had that talk though, and there’s nothing going on. Try telling that to Mrs. O.

Crap Happens

I’m not really sure how to preface this. I’ve been staring at the blank screen watching the little black line flash up and down and the only thing I can think? I could’ve died today. Sure, Nickelback can sing “If Today Was Your Last Day” all they want, but truly, today could’ve been my last day.

My new-to-me pick-up, which I’ve named Jack (I <3 Jack!), was lowered down when I bought it, but the bottoming out on speed bumps became an issue. I had it raised to stock height and went to pick it up today. $600 later, he was as sexy as ever. And yes, I do refer to Jack as my lover and boyfriend quite often. So after picking him up this morning, I was still really early for work so I decided to gas up my truck and I took some cash out. I drove around a little bit and as I was just about to make the last turn, I got hit. I didn’t even see her coming, and I cut her off. She nailed the back bumper and side panel of my Jack. Luckily, I guess, I sped up to try to miss the collision so she only hit the back bumper. It could’ve been a lot worse. Yes, we are both fine. Yes, my insurance will go up 30% the first year, 20% the second, and 10% the third. Yes, it was my fault. I could’ve died.

We exchanged info, and I drove to work. I parked, called my mom, and cried like a baby. She tried to calm me down, but I was too wound up to really listen. As I was on the phone with her, the Joker pulled in beside me. He saw the damage and gave me a hug to try to calm me down. Obviously, that didn’t work and he said that it could and would be fixed. He stroked my back a couple of times to comfort me as I swore like a sailor at myself. We walked in together and he tried to get me to relax, but I was still teary eyed. I was so mad at myself for allowing this to happen. “I didn’t have to take money out this morning. I didn’t have to gas my truck up. I should’ve come straight from the shop.” He told me not to play the “What If” game; it doesn’t change what’s happened. His advice? Get a couple of girlfriends over and go out drinking. Really? That’s not going to make Jack better. “My problems will still be there in the morning, and I’ll be sick.” Smart words for a twenty year old, eh?

FML. Seriously. I am so mad at myself. It has made me think what if it really had been my last day? What would I change? I’m so sorry Jack. I don’t need this right now! Perhaps tomorrow morning, I won’t repeat the same words I said this morning: “Why are things going so well?” Yeah, that’s what I get.

How much is too much?

So where exactly is the line? You know, the line between “we’re friends so I’ll tell you what’s going on” and “why the hell do you want to know? It’s not like you care”. Where’s the line? Since the Joker has been asking me about my Facebook status the other day, I’m a little unsure as to why he wants to know. I don’t believe he has ulterior motives, but it’s uncharacteristic of him to be so gosh-darn curious, which makes me curious!

I Facebook messaged him Saturday night, around 10:30 (as if anyone really cares about what time I messaged him!), telling him that my status (“what was I thinking”) was a long maze of a story. He deserved some sort of explanation after I refused to banter Friday, and I guess I was hoping the “long maze of a story” would suffice. I put my phone on lock and went to bed. Please don’t judge me! I had been taking shots of Jagermeister with my mom. And sister. And dad. Well, I don’t think Dad had any Jager, but we did have some fun that night! Perhaps my tipsiness had a slight effect on my decision to message the Joker, but I’m pretty sure I would’ve done that anyways. It was just a matter of timing.

The next morning, I checked my Blackberry (as always!) and saw that he had text messaged me. Like I’ve said before, he DOESN’T text me. Weirddddd.

10:58 pm The Joker – What were you thinking?

Seriously! Why do you want to know?! Doesn’t my “long maze of a story” raise a couple of red flags? It’s code for “I’ll tell you if you really want to know, but I don’t think you want to know so run while you still can!” I guess he’s a little slow. Maybe the text message was his way of saying that he DID really want to know. How do I reply to him? Honestly, I had thought that maybe the Joker had changed his mind, but I knew that was impossible. I cannot tell him that!! I had also realized that I was crazy for ever liking T-Rex. Each one of his pictures has him holding a drink or talking about drinking. That is the complete opposite of me. Immature. Immature. Immature. Not something I am used to so why on Earth did I like him? Oi.

Guilty as hell, I knew that I had to reply to the Joker. So what do I say to him to throw him off?

10:37 am The Grasshopper – Lol it truly is a long story. I don’t know if you really want to hear about all my boy problems :p

No reply. Oh yeah! That’s right mister!! I WIN!

I still don’t know how much information I should be sharing with him. If he would have replied, I’m sure I would have told him what I had been thinking about T-Rex, but I am glad that I didn’t have to! This is yet another lesson this young grasshopper will have to figure out all on her own.

Banter Be Gone

Banter. Love it or hate it, it’s hard to escape it. There are always those people in our lives that can speak to us in such a teasingly witty way it can be hard to take them seriously. Perhaps it is because they don’t want to discuss anything serious and use this as a way of cleverly changing the topic to something playful. Maybe they don’t want to talk about themselves or would prefer to discuss one’s ever changing hair colour. Whatever the reason, banter has its advantages. Let’s not lie. If used properly, banter can be a great way to pass the time and it really can be quite funny. If it is used excessively, however, it can be quite exhausting. I know. You’re shaking your head, wondering where I am going with all of this. I don’t really know yet.

This entire week, the banter between the Joker and I has been excessive. It usually is, but for some reason it seemed to bother me. We talked about many things, from Jack to my boring relationship status. At the end of our conversations, my head is spinning, especially this week! Sure, he knows a lot of things about a lot of topics. He has great advice for me and when it comes to my truck, he knows what to do and is always willing to listen (or should I say banter?) Whatever you want to call it, this week I felt very stupid after talking to him. I don’t think of myself as a witty person (I have many witnesses to account for this!) so I find it very hard to keep up with him. Usually I’m able to keep my own while we’re talking. I like to find ways to prove him wrong because it is the only time I can talk to him. I guess it’s as normal as we’ll ever get.

I’m not sure why this week was so different, but I couldn’t do it today! He came by to talk many times today and I had to tell him that the banter wasn’t happening. He looked confused (and a little disappointed which I don’t like. This was after KH stopped by to visit. For an hour. With Starbucks. Bitch.) but I promised to work on my banter-ness. He wanted to know what my Facebook status was all about. Actually, he asked me “so what were you thinking?” About what?!! I think about a lot of things, and right now I’m not sure what the hell to think! Why don’t you clarify and tell me what to think, because I will do what you think I should. “about what? [enter awkward silence while he grins at me. Thinking. Still thinking. What the hell is he talking about? Enter lightbulb moment! My Facebook status! I had said “what was I thinking?” why does he want to know?] OH! My Facebook status?!” The Joker continues to smile, and repeats his question. I told him I couldn’t remember (sorry, kind of thinking about a couple other things at the moment!) and he tried some witty comments. When I wasn’t laughing, I apologized, but couldn’t banter today. My wittiness takes time, thoughtful consideration, and motive. I’ve got nothing, so too bad!

I am hoping for an end to the banter. My head hurts too much when I get home! We talk so fast and about so many things that it can be exhausting! Why can’t we just talk normally? This banter is on the verge of flirting and that is something the Joker and I need to stay far, far away from! Although I can’t ignore him (he makes himself known!), he knows how to push my buttons. Sure, there are days I love the banter! Now, though, I hate it. There is not enough Advil in the world to entice me to keep it up.

Dear Facebook

Dear Facebook,

It’s been four years now and we’ve been through a lot together. You’ve been there for me many times when I couldn’t go on. It was you I’ve always turned to. You saw my tears before anyone else and heard my laughter amidst all the pain.

I need to tell you something serious though. As much fun as it would be to reminisce on all of the great times we’ve shared, I can’t go on. I love you too much but I don’t feel the same love for you. I keep giving and giving but you don’t love me back anymore. No new friend requests, no messages, no new notifications. I can’t do this. I don’t have any new photos and My Fairlyland has lost its lustre.

Why would you say that? Yes, to be honest, I am seeing someone else. I’ve been flirting around a little bit because you’re just not treating me like I need you to.

I’ve spent some time with Myspace, Twitter, Wordpress, and Tumblr. Blogger has me smitten. I can say whatever I want and I won’t be judged.

Don’t cry. It’s not your fault. Sometimes it just isn’t meant to be no matter how hard we try. I need a break. I need some space, Facebook. There is nothing else I can do right now. I know you don’t love me as much as I love you.

You’re with them now. I get it. I’ve accepted the fact we can’t go on. I can no longer live up to your expectations. No amount of photo albums or notes can keep me here. I don’t want a new application. The chat? It’s just lame.

You know I’ll be back Facebook. I just need a little space right now. We’re strong enough to get through this, but right now, your heart is just not in this. I get it. Don't worry about me; I've been through this before.

Love Always,
The Grasshopper