No, actually I don't know. That's why I asked.

By five o’clock on Thursday, I was more than ready to go home. The Joker and I work on the sixth floor, and we had to stop on the fifth and fourth floors before our elevator car was full. We even stopped on the third, but were out of space.

As we’re leaving the building, Athena and her friends are walking one direction, and I’m following (not really following, but by habit we’re walking in the same direction) the Joker towards our trucks. He then proceeds to say “You know, you can walk with Athena if you want.” REALLY!???!! Wow, I am so surprised! Are you giving me permission to walk with one of my best friends?! That is so kind of you! I am eternally grateful! How do I ever make this grand gesture up to you? Okay, so you caught all that sarcasm? Good. I told him that I tend to get quiet and awkward when I’m walking with them, which is very true. I don’t do well when meeting new people and I’m not very successful at joining in conversations, so I wouldn’t have said a word. Once I know someone, I don’t shut up and I tell them everything but until then, it’s not so enjoyable. I told him that my car was in the opposite direction they were walking and it didn’t really make sense to me. This must have satisfied him because he did stop talking then.

When he stops talking, I tend to believe something is wrong and to avoid this I ask him about his job. Works like a charm, I swear. He goes on and on about this, that, and the colour of the sky. He said that when employees call asking how to run the computer programs installed on their computers, he is expected to know. “It’s like just because you have a key to your truck, you know how to fix it.” Ah yes, always get back to the fact that I don’t have a clue how to do anything with Jack. Thanks for the reminder. I said that he was right and he said that he is always right. I called him “Mr. Cocky” and we said our goodnights. (This story does have a point, I promise!!)

Last night I was doing homework on my bed (in the exact same spot I am now, actually!) and my phone beeped. This, alone, is slightly unusual. I thought it might be a text message from Facebook or possibly my sister, but when I checked, well, it was the Joker. He and I haven’t text messaged in about eight months, maybe longer. Okay, so I admit that I did text him last Tuesday just to see if we were allowed to talk outside of work or if that was considered harassment. I thought it was funny!! He replies Wednesday night, while I’m at the Keith Urban concert he knew about and while he was working at his second (or possibly third?) job. “I think we can still talk”. Yeah, I know. Lamesauce. So last night, this was our conversation:

6:53 Joker - So am I too cocky for my own good :)
6:57 Grasshopper - What do you mean?
6:58 Joker - Lol you know :)
7:07 Grasshopper - I guess it depends on the situation. Didn't we discuss confident vs. cocky?
7:20 Grasshopper - Wait: the confidential mail? Lol
7:50 Joker - You mean the confidential male?

7:51 Grasshopper - Is that what its called now? Lol

9:04 Grasshopper - And no, you're not too cocky. :) There are days. And moments but overall... :p

The Joker does not use emoticons or “lol” in use text messages. If I knew what he had meant in the first place, I wouldn’t have asked! What was he talking about? Did he know I was involved on the Midol Joke? Is that what he meant? Can he see on my face what I don’t want to admit? Is that what he’s talking about? “Lol you know :)” What the heck? I know a lot of things, but I don’t know what you know so what is this about? I tried to not throw my phone across the room, with success actually! And then, for him to reply right away to not at all... Like what’s up with that?! Clearly, I need help. Blogging is just so much cheaper than therapy.

Well-Behaved Women Rarely Make History

Thursday morning I e-mailed Athena to vent. Stupid, petty things the Joker had done had really pissed me off. Dude. We park in the same spot every morning, but now you want to park closer to the building. WTF? Okay, I know. It’s a small thing. He didn’t come over to talk at all on Wednesday and it seemed like he was ignoring me. Something about his attitude on Wednesday just really seemed to strike a nerve with me. I started to think about the way he had been talking to me and I realized that I didn’t enjoy being talked at like I was five. It’s slightly disrespectful. Athena did have a plan, as she always seems to! The ultimate practical joke was about to go down.

Athena - I have always wanted to send the Zero some Midol
Grasshopper - DO ITTTTT!!!!!!! That would be hilarious Athena!
Athena - Well if I do, I’m not going in alone!
Grasshopper - Just tell me what you want me to do! They [the Joker and Zero] deserve this!
Athena - Alright, well we’ll need two chocolate bars, two bottles of Midol, and two brand new inter-office envelopes so it can’t be traced (We were planning on sending our surprises through the inter-department mail, and I work on the same floor as the Joker and Zero, but Athena doesn’t.)
Grasshopper - And a magazine, Cosmo or something. Do you want me to go to Shopper’s on my break?
Athena - Sure!
Grasshopper - Okay, I’ll call you when I get back.
And that was it. Plan SPM was in motion.

I asked the lady at Shopper’s to double-bag by supplies. We loaded it into the envelopes, and Athena carefully wrote their names on the outside. We even stamped “Confidential” just to be on the safe side. You never know with IT people. They’re weird and snoopy.

One thing you have to know about me is that I am incapable of lying. If Zero or the Joker had come up to me, (which thank goodness they didn’t! I would’ve died!) and asked me who the packages were from, they would know it was me and Athena. Guilt is painted all over my face, and then I start to laugh and no matter how many times I try, oh so hard, to remain stoic, I fail.

Mr. W picked up the packages (one of the IT managers) and I hid. Seriously! I had 483 invoices to file, so I managed to hide within the comfort of my file cabinets and I didn’t see either one of them until the end of the day. It was humorous when the only girl in IT, Ms IT, came over and asked me who dropped off the packages. Like I said, I couldn’t lie and she thought it was very funny. She said that the first person they guessed was Athena, but she swore herself to secrecy.

As the Joker and I were walking out, he didn’t mention a thing about the Midol Joke. Athena even joined us in the elevator, but nobody said anything. It was great!

Today I had to go into the dreaded IT room. It smells like man sweat in there, very disgusting. Anyways, I saw that Zero was proudly displaying his “medication” on the top of his desk. I couldn’t help myself and I asked if he had eaten his chocolate bar. He asked which chocolate bar, and I said “the one that came with the Midol.” Their manager, Hottie #3, and another co-worker, The A, were there too, and Hottie #3 says, “It was you?!!” I said that I may have had something to do with it (enter wink here!). Zero says, “Well tell Athena that I didn’t eat it.” I asked why not and he proceeds to tell me that they thought it may have been poisoned. I said that it was sealed!! What did we do? Poison it with ex-lax and then reseal it?? I promised that next time we’ll make some brownies and put a little surprise in there. The A and Hottie #3 found that very entertaining. I asked Zero if he had taken any medication and that he should. “You seem a bit off”; once again, they laughed.

Hottie #3 asked me after I left the stinky room who my “accomplices” were. I told him that I had to keep some secrets, but their initial guesses were on track. I admitted it was Athena and I and he was very impressed in our joking abilities. He said we had definitely stumped them and I was happy to take some of the credit!

Ms IT walked by later in the day and said that Athena and I had been found out. I said that I couldn’t take it any longer: we deserve the credit for the awesomeness!! When I told her that Zero hadn’t even eaten his chocolate bar, she said that the Joker threw his out. I couldn’t believe he would do that to a perfectly good chocolate bar! It was Mars! Caramel + chocolate = love!! She said that they thought it might have been poisoned and didn’t want to take any chances. CHOCOLATE. Need I say more?

I am very, very proud of Athena and I! Our joke had completely stumped the boys, and they got exactly what they deserve: a little taste of their own medicine!

Joe Cool?

I don’t get bored very easily, but sometimes my mind just needs a little break. My muscles don’t want to move so what do I do for excitement? Refresh the intranet page. Oh yeah, I’m cool like that. They used to have a “Quote of the Day” but replaced it with some health tip thing. As if I care about going “green”; I want the quote of the day back!

We even have this cool “Buy and Sell” feature and periodically (alright, once an hour!) I check on there to see if there are any cool concert tickets or whatnot. Well this afternoon, I checked and saw that the Joker was selling his rice rocket, noisemaker, motorbike thing. I immediately e-mailed Athena: was he going to sell his motorbike and follow KH around the world? No, she disagreed. The $4,000 he was asking for would never be enough to keep her happy. Ouch. She added that it was too bad he was selling his bike because “it was the only cool thing about him”. Double ouch.

As the Joker and I were walking out, I asked why he had decided to sell it. He said that he only put 1500 km on it this year because he’s too busy with housework and his driveway and the like. It had become a $4,000 paperweight and upon selling it, he can help pay off his dad’s car. He said that his dad bought a new car, but it’s in the Joker’s name and always will be or something like that. It’s his dad’s toy. Intrigued, I asked what kind of car it was. “A ’64 Chevelle Supersport”, he replies. I gasp. Instinctively and completely, I inhaled sharply and then I giggled. I thought he was joking! That is a sexy car; there is no way it is owned by the Joker! I told him that I would never picture him in a car like that, and he asked if I thought he was gay or something. I said “No! No! I don’t know; I just would never think...” I asked what colour it was because that is the only thing I would be able to understand anyways. The rest is gibberish. It is currently a burgundy colour (I was thinking red or black) but it is originally blue. He said that he and his dad have to install the motor (well yes, it is necessary there buddy) and it was going to be the wintertime job. I told him to bring it to work so I could see, but looking back I should have just demanded a ride in it (once the motor is in, of course).

I’m sorry Athena, but a Chevelle is way cooler than a motorbike can ever dream of being!! The Joker has taken me completely by surprise this time. Who would’ve thought he would be cool?

Don't Let Him Go

I e-mailed Athena this morning to catch her up on some of the latest happenings with the Joker and I. I hadn’t talked to her in a while and desperately needed her to knock some sense into me! With all of his niceness lately, I wasn’t sure what was going on and she put me right back in my place. No more daydreaming around here!

She called a few minutes later with some KH news. Through the grapevine, she told me that KH has quit her job at the City and will be living it up with her sugar daddy. Athena told me KH had a profile on sugardaddy.com and she had been talking with a married fellow who has swept her off of her feet. He’s going to build her a house and take care of her every need (and something about Mexico?) So she quit her job. This is all gossip, I’m sure. Really now, doesn’t that sound too good to be true! Take me with you KH!! I don’t know if she has actually quit her job or not yet, but this is too good to be made up. Athena said she found out on Thursday and thought that might be why the Joker had been so upset. When I told her that he had been really happy, well, that just makes no sense then!

Perhaps I should join KH and find me a sugar daddy! I could use a new house and some champagne! I diamond wouldn’t hurt either...

Seriously though, if this is true, she is going to be his mistress? I’ve never met the girl and shouldn’t judger her without knowing her, but it’s a trait I’m not proud of and have inherited from my dad. I have heard she’s “free” but how would you sleep at night knowing what you’re doing is so wrong? I guess one might sleep quite well. Four post bed. Jacuzzi tub. Satin sheets. Candlelight. It just might be the perfect lifestyle: a man who is not happy at home or has extra money to spend, meet woman in need of attention. Yes, I guess that might work out just fine.

I wonder if the rumour is true! Good for you KH! I just have a little advice for you, in the form of a song of course!

So you figure that you’ve got him all figured out,
He’s a sweet talkin stud
Who can melt a girl’s heart with his pout
He’s the kind of lover that the ladies dream about

He’s got plenty of cash
He’s got plenty of friends
He drives women wild
Then he drives off in a Mercedes-benz
He’s got a long wick with a flame at both ends
He’s hot

Bud don’t let him go
Just give him a chance to grow
Take it easy, take it slow
And don’t let him go

Don't let him go

Too Much To Do

Do you know what I would really like? One day where I am not stressed out about anything. Today it’s Jack. I have so many things to do to my new truck and although I want help on some things, others I know that I can do own my own.

Take my front license plate, for example. I have a plate and a plate holder but I have to drill holes in the bumper and install it. Well, I don’t know how to use a drill, first of all. I was lying under the truck the other day, trying to see where I could put the holes (which I’ll also need those anchor bolt things – note to self) but I couldn’t see anything because the truck is lowered down. So here I am, feeling around the bumper trying to see, but I can’t because I’m not all the way under the truck which wouldn’t help anyways. My mom comes home and asks me “what the hell are you doing down there?” I told her that I didn’t have a clue. My, oh my, this is frustrating!

Another thing. I need to buy winter wheels for Jack. Well, it’s a 2WD pick-up (which apparently means something relating to the wheels that I just don’t understand, but whatever) and the Joker has told me that wheels will be hard to find. He said he’s been looking for the past year and half but can’t find anything because of the offset or something. He has a similar pick-up, but his wheels are five stud whereas mine are six. I’ve tried talking to my dad about it, but I kind of want to do it on my own. Still, when I do talk to him about it, somehow we end up talking about one of our four other vehicles instead. Excuse me? Were we not just talking about my vehicle? How exactly does the Kia relate to previously-loved wheels for Jack which we cannot find? I don’t want to talk about the Kia! I want advice for my search! My dad told me today that he never gets to see me. True, I spend about five minutes with you in the mornings and on your days off we try to have family dinners. The Joker told me to ask my dad about the wheels and when I told him I hadn’t told my dad about it, he said I was “lying by omission”. You see, I’m not purposely lying to my dad. I’m not lying to my dad. I never get to see him, so we don’t talk about this. It doesn’t count as lying if there is no communication!

Apparently, new winter tires for my truck are going to cost around seven hundred dollars. Wait just a minute: aha!!! Okay, so mini-freak out over and now I have to call around to these sketch auto-wreckers and ask if they have the wheels I’m looking for. I don’t know what I’m looking for!! The Joker has told me more than once what I need, but I feel so stupid having to ask repeatedly. He has given me so much advice already on the new truck, including how to go over speed bumps. In my defence, the truck is lowered down and rides about 2 ½ inches off of the ground which I’m not used to. How am I supposed to know about shocks? Stop on the top of the speed bump? I don’t know! He did, however, nicely bring up that he taught me how to do that in front of my manager and a co-worker the other day. I’m pretty sure I turned bright red. Thanks for that.

My air-conditioner, which I’m still not used to having, works really well! It’s great to have to turn the fan to the fourth level to feel any air circulating. Not. I told my dad and he suggested I call the dealer and get them to take a look at it. Alright, so I called and made an appointment but when I talked to the Joker about it, he had other ideas. Unbeknownst to me, it was “common sense” to check underneath the dash if it was a problem with the switch. “Just pull the dash off” was his suggestion. Pull the dash off?!!! How the hell do I do that? Why would I do that? My truck-driving father has told me to take it the dealer and the Joker’s telling me to pull the dash off. What the hell?! Then he said it would be easier to see if there was, in fact, a problem with the switch so I’d just have to go down to the dealer and get a new switch. Although, it might be a malfunction in the wiring, I won’t know that until I’ve installed a new switch. Suuurrrreeeeee. I’ll get right on that one.

I don’t know any of the lingo he uses and it all sounds like gibberish. The one thing I do hate is when he uses the “you’re a girl” argument with me. “Typical girl” he says to me. What is that supposed to mean? I don’t know how to do this because I have boobs? Well excuse me, mister asshole! Let me show you that I will learn how to do this and I will do it on my own. I bought the truck because a) I’ve always wanted a truck and never liked my car (except in the summer) b) I wanted to learn how to take care of it, and c) I was bored with life and needed a change. One thing I didn’t account for was the amount of stress and money that was going to come with it! I want to, no, I have to prove the Joker wrong. I’m not a typical girl and I know that I can figure this out.

I think I’ve lived in a mechanics bubble all my life. Dad has always had the theory that there are people who are paid to do this and since we don’t know how and have money, they can do it properly for us. The Joker suggested I take a Mechanics 101 course at the university. He was serious.