One Last Time

Perhaps T-Rex has selective memory. This is what I’m coming to believe because he doesn’t seem to remember any of our super-cute text message conversations that convinced me he liked me, but instead remembers asking me to come to his football game next month. Does that make sense to anyone?

I honestly have no idea how a guy can simply forget all of those conversations. How can you forget that you’ve been thinking about a girl “24/7” after just one week? He told me he was going to take me on a date, but I guess he simply forgot or found someone else. I don’t know and although I care (he is one of my best friends after all), it’s not something I find particularly helpful to dwell on (although that doesn’t seem to stop me!). I’ve already spent too many days trying to figure out what has been going on with him. I noticed the change as soon as I came back from visiting him. I’ve rarely talked to him since I came back which is so odd. I’m sorry to say, but no, I’m not 5’6”, 120 lbs with a pair of double D’s!! This is me and if you can’t be happy with that, that’s just too damn bad honey! I was myself 110% of the time while I was up there so I have no clue what happened! When we do talk, as rarely as it might be, he keeps telling me that he is really busy. I guess that is a fair excuse, but it still seems strange. (This is me NOT dwelling on the subject?)

We’ve been kinda-sorta talking these past couple of days, but that’s about to end. It’s time we play a little “tit-for-tat” with Mr. T. I hate playing these sorts of games, and he and I promised not to play games. Also though, he did promise me a ton of shit that just ain’t happening right now and I can’t take this anymore. I’ll just disappear for a little while and if he decides to chase me, he can do that but I’ve got better things to do than sit and wait around for an almost-nineteen year old boy to man up! I didn’t even know he was working until I read his Facebook wall today! HELLO! That is the kind of stuff I should be told, don’t you think? Okay, so I’m moving on. This is me moving on. Time to delete “I Just Call You Mine” (I fall apart and just a word from you somehow seems to fix whatever's wrong. You reach into the weakest moments and remind me that I'm strong. You gotta know I'd be a fool not to see or even worse to forget that you're more than I deserve) and replace it with “Used To” (We used to have this figured out. We used to breathe without a doubt. When nights were clear, you were the first star that I'd see. We used to have this under control. We never thought. We used to know. At least there's you, and at least there's me. Can we get this back? Can we get this back to how it used to be?) Perhaps it is a little disappointing and sad, but that’s how I’m feeling.

I guess we will see how he responds to this latest development. Probably just like every other guy I’ve used this “tried and true” trick on: they don’t even notice. I just want one guy to prove to me they’re not all the same. You’re just another silly boy.

Experiment 101

I was always jealous of the kids who won first place in the Science Fair. They had come up with some great experiment or invention and tested their hypothesis. Reports were written, grades handed out, and someone walked around as proud as a peacock for the next week. I think those were the lucky kids; talented, brilliant, and the ones the rest of us kicked sand at. Okay, so maybe the sand kicking wasn’t the best idea, but did Hayley really need to cry when she got 99%? I was happy with 51%, for goodness sake! Perhaps it was because I could never come up with a good enough experiment. Granted, creativity in the science lab was never my strong suit (the chemicals blew up because they hated me; it had nothing to do with their properties!) but I like to think it was because my experiments were a little too mature for my age group. I’m going to stick with that story anyways!

What about men? How can we find out more about them in the least harmful environment? Is it possible to find out if every theory we already have in place is true? Surely they can’t all be that simple, can they? I have taken it upon myself to embark on a research project: online dating. Now don’t judge me just yet! The plan is to create myself a kick ass profile, meet some cool guys, and learn more about men in general from some good conversation. True, this isn’t going to be all roses. Men are disgusting pigs, but hopefully I can steer clear from those and connect with the more mature, independent fish. Honestly, I have no idea what to expect from this! I am hoping to find a friend or two, and it should help pass the time!

I wonder if those blue-ribbon kids have found a way to predict the future, accurately. I would like to know what’s going to happen with all of this! Then again, isn’t it true that life is a highway? Ah yes, time to sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride.

De-coding The Obvious

Women are not difficult creatures to understand: text message us to say hi, tell us we look pretty, and buy us flowers. Is that so hard to do? I guess it is for some men and I have learned lately to play it cool when you are into a guy and not talk to him unless he initiates contact. Alright, this sounds simple enough.

I had not talked to T-Rex for three days as he was not initiating contact (and neither was I!). This morning when I got up, I checked my Blackberry as always and there were two messages from him.
11:38pm – Good night my friend
11:39pm – I hate not talked to you in a while.. So we gotta catch up

The first time I read the second text, I read “I hate not talking to you. We have to catch up.” Then I realized he probably meant that to say “I have not talked to you in a while”: two very different phrases! One letter can change the entire meaning of the phrase! I like the idea that he hates not talking to me. That’s sweet and something he would have said before the whole driving-three-hours-to-see-him-and-then-everything-changes-but-he-thinks-it-didn’t thing. That is the T-Rex I like; the one who was honest and blunt about things. He would say what he was thinking and feeling, but this T-Rex seems to forget I exist for a day or three. Not my forte, as the commercial would say! He should hate not talking to me. I’m fricken amazing so yeah! I hope all of his days suck ass when he’s not talking to me because I make them better.

Okay, so we have not talked in a while. I know! It’s up to him to make the moves now; I did more than my share driving up there and wearing my heart on my sleeve, again. Is this his way of saying that he misses me? I know that guys won’t say “mushy” stuff like that (although it is exactly what every girl wants to hear) but was that his point on telling me what I already knew? Was he reminding me? I know, I am over thinking this, but you would be to so don’t judge me!

If you keep reading, he says “we gotta catch up”. Catch up on what? It’s only been three days! What is so pressing that needs to be discussed this late? My bedtime for text messages is 11 and he knows that, so would he say we gotta catch up if it was something unimportant? Probably. I bet it has something to do with a girl. He needs to tell me that he’s found a girl before changing his relationship status on Facebook. That has to be it. Why else would he say we have to catch up? Did he miss me? Did he forget again that I am supposed to be his girl? Damn you T-Rex! Damn you for being so young and not getting what the hell is going on!

Alas, I did not get the messages until the morning and replied around 11 while I was working. (Alright, it was a coffee break. I am a good union employee!) I didn’t hear from him all day and our conversation this evening was nothing spectacular. He text messaged me “Word.” I wish I was witty and said something like “orange” or “asparagus” or “calendar”. There’s a “word” for you! I’m not that quick when it comes to thinking on my toes, and I was so excited it was him who has messaged me, I just said something mundane back. It was nice though, in a weird way, to know that he was back. I had won. Finally, that silver lining is coming through. Okay, so it was nothing major, but still! I flew under the radar for a couple of days, and then he’s back to talking to me.

If I can be completely honest with myself for just a minute, I would like to yell at myself. This should just take a second. DAMN YOU! Stop making up all of these crazy stories in your head! You know that you have to wait because it is not the right time and he’s told you he wants to be your friend. Be okay with that. Deal with it! Stop analyzing every word he says and trying to figure out if he says “I hate not talking to you” or “I have not talked to you”. He’s an eighteen year old boy who can’t spell! You know that so don’t pick apart his words. Be happy with what you have because it could be a whole lot worse. Don’t go scaring the boys away now.

Life lesson? I don’t think there is one in this. This is just another example of how the game must be played. True, I don’t have a clue what the rules are. I do know that I am winning.

Different Day, Same Routine

I feel old today, which is odd because I’m not. Cooking, cleaning, and laundry have somehow all become a part of my daily routine. It’s not that I don’t like doing these things (Rachael Ray is my hero!) but sometimes it’s as though I am expected to do these things. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family more than anything and I would do anything for them, but lately I’ve felt old.

Recently, I’ve felt slightly stuck, in the sense of being so young and mature (according to my manager, fellow co-workers, and my parents) with so many responsibilities! I am busy working Monday through Friday, 9 to 5, and I am afraid that nothing in my life is ever going to change. I don’t want to be working in the same job I am in for the rest of my life. I love what I do, but sometimes I just feel so old and mature it is scary. I want to do things, change the world. I want to build wells in Africa, end world poverty, and cure cancer but I definitely can’t do these things at my current job. I know I can only ever dream of accomplishing these, although I wish I could help.

When I was getting ready to leave from my visit with T-Rex he asked if I was looking forward to going home. Well, obviously I did not want to leave, but I was also not in the least bit excited for work the next day! He had it so easy; he could get up when he wanted, spend the day doing whatever he wanted to do, and here I am, dreading work tomorrow because I am responsible. I guess maybe that was a part of the problem: I’ve been working since I was fifteen. From babysitting all summer long, to working every shift possible at a bakery, to my current job. I’ve never been anywhere and I don’t want to miss out on life. My friend asked me today how my weekend was and my reply? “I’m glad it’s over.” Puzzled, he inquired why I would say that. I told him how I didn’t have anything to look forward to and work simply passes the time. What a sad thing to say! Life has become so monotonous and such a routine. Honestly, every day is a carbon copy of the previous one and I don’t want to end up old and bitter like some of my co-workers.

It’s not like I’m seven anymore though either. Sometimes it just seems as though I need help with every day activities which I can do just fine on my own! I appreciate that my parents, mainly my dad, are trying to help out and that he has this feeling where he needs to be needed. That’s all fine and dandy; the problem arises when they do not understand that they have to let go! I do not need help doing my laundry. I can cook a damn fine meal. My car does not need to be washed every other week. If I want to stay up until 1:30 in the morning and get up at 6 the next day, I’m going to do just that! I am not seven anymore and I don’t know what it’s going to take for them to realize that.

Enough with the complaining; I should consider myself blessed that I have it so good! Perhaps it is time for that change; a break in the routine, even. Maybe I can venture outside of my comfort zone and think outside the box. Okay, maybe I’ll just think around the box for a while first.

Always The Love Songs

I think I’m going to give up on the love songs. I’ve had it with the cheesy, sappy lyrics to further remind all of the lovebirds out there just how in-love they are. I don’t want to hear about it anymore! I want something with bass and electric guitar and some dude screaming about how his girlfriend cheated on him!

Okay, so maybe I am a little bitter, but I have a hard time believing that certain artists are telling the truth in their lyrics. Maybe it’s just me but I do have a couple of examples:

“I remember trying not to stare the night that I first met you, you had me mesmerized, And three weeks later, in the front porch light, taking 45 minutes to kiss goodnight. I hadn't told you yet, that I thought I loved you then.” Please tell me you are kidding!!

“And now you're my whole life, and now you're my whole world, And I just can’t believe the way I feel about you girl.” Is anyone else in need of some Gravol??

Now don’t get me wrong: I absolutely love Brad Paisley! I think he is one of the most, if not the most, talented country music singers and musicians of our time. I am sure he honestly does feel this way about his wife and that is great! We should all be very happy for them. They have obviously found true love and that doesn’t come around often. That being said, for those of us single folk out there, this music makes me sick. I don’t want to hear about how happy you are; I don’t give a flying donkey. Do radio stations have to torture us with the same songs over and over again? It would be much different if the sappy song came on and then they played something like “Standing Outside The Fire” or “Before He Cheats”, but no. Instead, they decide to play the same songs that torture my poor heart over and over again! Sorry Brad, by I used to like this song before it went into overkill! More examples?

“Better than I was, more than I am and all of this happened by taking your hand and who I am now is who I wanted to be and now that we're together, I'm stronger than ever I'm happy and free.” Oh! Let me guess! It’s your love! Oh, yeah. Sure it is. Tim, we all know you just wanted to get laid that night!

I admit, I am bitter. I know that one day I will look back on all of these songs and say how beautiful they are as I choose my wedding song (which is “Making Memories Of Us" by Keith Urban, btw). For the meantime, can we please have a little variety on the radio and possibly some angry country songs? You know, Mamma is in jail and the train’s rolling in so you best be hauling in that cattle and grabbing your boots; it’s party time down on the farm.