Friday, August 14, 2009

Change Will Do You Good

I can feel a change coming. I’m not sure where it’s coming from or what is going to change. It may even just be that I need something to change. I’m not sure what is going on, but I had been feeling very content with everything that is going on. These past couple of days I’ve noticed that I have been telling my friends that I feel a change coming. I think this is God’s way of allowing me to grow by using my to show myself what I need. He’s absolutely right.

After completing the Alpha course, I was hit in the face with one disaster after another. Even while trying to grow closer to God during the course, I gave in to the devil and pushed God away. My affair with the world ended only with heartache and I continued to ignore God. Maybe it was one of those lessons where God allowed Satan to tempt me to show me how much I need Him. It took me a while to realize this, five months in fact. In the midst of all of my heartache and hurt, I even got baptized. I don’t regret my decision, but it was such a big moment in my life and I didn’t feel as on fire for God or as close to Him as I should have in that moment.

I don’t know why God is still chasing me. I’m a complete disaster and have disappointed Him in so many ways. I’ve let myself down and acted completely out of character but for some reason He keeps chasing after me. Maybe I should start running to Him instead of away from Him. It’s odd that this is happening again, because I’ve been down this road before. I have “God highs” where I am so close to Him and I feel like He is with me all day long. Suddenly, something happens and it’s almost as if I forget He exists. What a horrible thing to say, I know, but that is what seems to happen. Yet after all of that, He has not given up on me. He wants me all to Himself.

The week after our Alpha course ended, our group gathered for dinner at our leaders’ house. I can vividly remember one our friends say how encouraged he was to see my sister and I have hearts that were burning for God. He said that we weren’t typical teenagers, but mature young adults that understood the world. That was one moment that God used to continually encourage and challenge me. That is the fighting spirit I want back. I want everyone I meet to see that look in my eyes; peace, contentment, joy, and love.

Now is the time. I can feel it in my blood. It is my turn to develop that bond with God I need. I need Him. I cannot do this on my own and I don’t know why I tried yet again. I want that fire back in my heart that only God can provide. I’m going to follow His plans for my life and it’s time I give Him my whole heart. I’m ready to let go.